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Author Topic: State of My Mind...  (Read 1240 times)

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Offline Brian Hollywood

State of My Mind...
« on: July 11, 2016, 08:16:00 PM »
I promised a few days ago that I would post an OOC of more detail pertaining to my "LOA" week request.  So please stick with me and have something near you that will not drag you down to the depths of shit where I'm at.  So here goes...

First off, I love 4CW, I love all you guys.  It has and will always remain fun to do this game with all of you.  Since my return, I have had so much fun, regardless of my in character fall apart but that's for another time, and this has been something that has allowed me to get away from the hell that my life has since become....adapted to.  The adaption is a pity in itself and it's sad because I never in a million years thought a guy like me who wasn't capable of suffering from the clutching evil of depression could succumb to it, but it's finally done so in an event where the only way you could possibly pull me into that void is by taking everything away from me...

I used to never understand why people would "suffer" from depression, or even what caused it.  I always used to think it was a mental thing that if you actually focused on the negativity in life that you would simply be "labeled" as depressed.  But that is simply bullshit.  I always helped those around me suffering from it because it's not just a case where someone feels "depressed."  I have found that you can mentally actually suffer from it regardless of what is actually going on in your life.  I've had friends of mine say they used to always think it was in their head and that anti-depressants made you weak an enabled.   I always used to think that you could get better on your own if you only had a different perspective of your life.  Over the last 3 years of my life, I have slowly become aware of just what this suffering really means because it's the beginning stages of denial, ignorance and self doubting.  I hit that stage of "rock bottom" officially about a year back.  I never would have imagined myself being in a place that's so dark because of how negative of a place it truly is.  It's tough being at rock bottom and I'm sure a number of you have experienced that at some point in your life.  I always thought, at one point in my life when I had everything, that I couldn't possibly imagine myself being in a situation like that.  I have been taken down a path where the situation in which I couldn't ever imagined actually started being my way of life...

It was a scary thing because I kept asking myself what did I ever do to deserve being here?  All I ever did was put others first, constantly.  I helped people get better, improve their lives and give them the moments worth living for.  I helped them change, I stuck by them through it all and every time I kept telling myself I hoped I would never be in a place like that.  It truly does suck ending up in the very place you never wanted to be.  I kept asking all the cliche questions of "why?," "why me?," "what did I ever do to deserve this?" and so on and so forth. 

It started back at the very end of 2012 after I had gone on leave for two surgeries.  Recoop time took a month each and I was back on my feet in two and a half months.  Yet when I was on leave was actually when it all began.  I had gotten demoted from management because I took a leave for my own personal health and I'm only 28 and this was something that needed to be addressed.  This was an injury I shouldn't be dealing with and something I never thought I would have to deal with until I was in my 50's.  But I was going through hip problems and it was painful to walk on my own and gotten to the point where I needed a fucking cane to walk and that's when I knew I had to figure out what the fuck was going on.  Turns out my left femur, after an MRI, had shown that it was all but deteriorated and that my right side was showing the same signs but on a lesser progression that my right.  I had to stop it but it was too late and the surgeries I had were only merely buying me time and delaying me from the inevitable.  I was told that I needed a hip replacement but that this surgery could halt that progression, at least slow it down because of how actively progressive it was.  It worked, of course.  I could actually walk without limping.  However, a price was paid.  I still have those days where I could be walking just fine and then my hip just goes out on me.  A sharp pain happens and it truly is painful because it comes out of nowhere.  I guess that's what bone on bone pain really feels like.

So yea, demoted because I wasn't around and because my department had been suffering for so much because the higher ups didn't know how to do their fucking jobs and actually allow me the proper time to train people...instead I got 5 hours to train someone on what has to be a weeks training time and then sick them by themselves the next day.  That is wrong and yet they wonder why my department was so behind and why nothing got done.  So I was demoted and even though my customer service was the best in that place, instead of customer service or front end supervising, which I had prior experience in mind you, I got stuck on "self checkout."  I went through that hell once, I didn't deserve it again.  So as a Christmas present, I gave them my two weeks, effective immediately.  After that I fended for myself in finding a place to work.  The economy is so much in the fucking shit can, I couldn't believe how hard it was to actually finding a job.  But over the course of the next couple years, I had bounced in and out of about 5 different jobs and didn't stick around for different circumstances.

Fast forward to about a year and a half ago and that's when I lost my car.  It just up and quit on me.  The costs for actually repairing it was twice as more times over than I even had to my name.  I'm still carless to this day...

Fast forward to this year and that's when everything just came crashing down upon me.  I lost my last job, I have no car, I have no money to my name as I'm dirt ass broke, paying child support with money I don't have as day care for my daughter has requested child support because one parent can't pay the costs cause the state won't allow it.  Dumb rule...very dumb rule but story of my life.  In an update to that, I have to come up with 550 dollars but the 5th of next month otherwise I could be facing contempt and possibly 6 months in jail.  I hate neglect and that is something I have NEVER wanted for my daughter, but I'm behind on payments and haven't been sending in enough money but the money that I'm able to make, as little as it's been, has all been sent towards it so at least I'm able to send SOMETHING.  I already feel shitty as a person and this is something that haunts me every day...

Throughout the past 3 years, however, I have managed to get through all those tough times because I had someone that was there for me.  My girlfriend I have been with the last 3 years has been incredible and I wouldn't have been able to get through that time without her.  She has been there supporting me, helping me up when I get knocked down, but she has been the REASON why I have kept getting up because I still had something left worth fighting for in my life.  That all changed a week and a half ago....she left me...or I guess wanted a "break" because of her mental health and to deal with one issue that has been a presence in our relationship since day one.  That issue, however, wasn't really a big issue because regardless of how small it was, we had each other and we knew we could face it.  She's studying to be a teacher and has one more year left in college and we had been planning to move in together after she graduated.  She made me so happy and all I ever gave her was my happiness.  I literally gave her EVERYTHING in life, everything of me and everything that I was.  I had never said a single bad thing about her and we never really have been in any major fights because we understand each other more than ever and our love for each other could never be matched.  I knew no matter what kinds of things I was going through in my life, no matter how dark of a road it was for me, I knew at the end of the day I always had her.  Now I don't even know and it's the one constant thing I keep asking myself on why, why me and what did I ever do to deserve this?

She was the glue that was keeping me together.  She was the only thing that I had to make sense of my life and where I was at in it.  She wants 2 months to herself and doesn't want to talk to me because it's "too painful to talk to me."  It hurt me, drove a knife straight through my heart because I thought that was the only thing that life couldn't touch, couldn't take away from me.  She said we still have to address the issue which makes no sense on a "break" bc she's just going to come back and that's still going to have to be addressed.  It's something I've told her that as a relationship, we need to work through it and figure out a way to address it that way because time apart won't solve anything.  If anything, I'm afraid that much time apart will cause her to drift away from me and not feel connected to me or close to me and that scares me because we have never gone one day without talking to each other.  I'm also afraid that once the 2 months is up, all she's going to come back and say is that she can't do this anymore and that this "break" is simply just an easy way out for her and a reason to break up because she doesn't have the strength to hurt me like that even though she already has.  I fear that I'm going to lose her forever and that's something I can't deal with.  I understand relationships are hard to get over but that time has a way to mend those broken wounds but this is something that I know I won't be able to handle.  3 years is a long time and I've put so much into this relationship and I don't want to lose her...every day that passes that I don't hear from her is another day that adds to my anxiety and the unknown.  I can't take that blow...I have no blows left to take before I'm completely destroyed and broken...I'm heartbroken and I never felt more alone than I have now...

And now that leads us back to the golden question of just what is the meaning of depression and how do you know if you feel it?  One day, a half a year ago, I was sitting down in the basement of a guy I worked with because it was his business that I was to take over when he retired 3-5 years from now.  We were just listening to classical music as we worked and I was sitting there and it all of a sudden hit me.  The feeling of emptiness, nothingness, hit me like a wave of bricks.  It was the worse feeling I had ever felt and I didn't know why I felt the way I did.  It didn't make sense to me because it happened out of nowhere.  I wasn't ready for it and I didn't know why I felt that way because I had work at the time and a beautiful girlfriend who meant the world to me.  I had life left.  I had purpose and when I was hit with that wave of feelings, I had no understanding of it.  I explained that to someone else and they told me that was what depression felt like because I had described the exact feelings to him and he told me that he felt the same way when he was dealing with depression.  It was strange because I couldn't explain how I felt and he said that's exactly how it feels because you can't explain it.  I was struck with awe and I couldn't believe that it happened to me.

I ended up waving it off, though, because the feeling only lasted for about a few moments and then all of a sudden it went away.  However, from then on I had started experiences more waves of depression and it happened more frequently and in longer periods.  I felt vulnerable and weak...I still couldn't explain why it was happening to me.  Here I was having led the most positive life for so long and the cracks started getting bigger, opening up a sinkhole of depression.  It happens to me more at night than any other time and it's truly a great weight that presses down my very soul, my very spirit.

So here I am...there's my story in the best way I know how to tell it.  I feel alone, empty, useless and I have never been in such a darker place in my life.  I'm not used to expressing my feelings or even talking about my life because while I may be one of the most outgoing people you'll ever meet, I have always kept my personal life closed to those around me, except for those that have been close to me.  I truly cannot describe the constant pain and doubt that I feel on a daily basis.  I wanted to reach out to all of you because I know I have reached a point where I can't battle this alone without having people in my life who mean something to me or people that I know that I mean something to them.  I don't want to fight this dark world alone....I need help....I need clarity and I need to know I have people I can really count on, confide in and help me get through this dark time because I know if I don't try and reach out....if I don't try to ask for help in this fight, I'm going to cross a point of no return and that's a life that truly scares the ever living hell out of me...

So I ask for all of you to help me...pray for me, give me something to hold onto that I can fight to keep going because I feel like I'm running out of time.  I feel like the world is getting smaller and smaller and that the walls are closing in around me.  You guys are like family to me.  I know I'm asking a great deal, but I believe in you guys and I know you can help me in a some way where I don't feel like I'm alone in this world.  Depression is a very serious thing...I know that...and it's something that I never thought I would seriously be fighting against.  I know what it truly is now and it's not just a feeling that you can just brush to the side expecting it to just go away on its own. 

I'm sorry if this post is long and I hope I didn't make you guys depressed along with me with this post.  I just wanted you all to know what was going on and even though this was hard for me to share, I felt like I needed to share with you the struggles I was fighting in my life.  As for my stay here in 4CW, I am NOT going anywhere.  I will remain in 4CW and I want to become a lifer in this fed.  You guys are truly family to me and I mean that wholeheartedly.  This, you ALL are important to me and this is a place where I want to allow the rest of my efedding career to play out in.  HOW and 4CW have always been my home away from homes and they will continue to remain so.  So please, I ask for your help.  I ask for you to give me courage, to give me more to fight for in my life because I really need it.  Any advice, any thoughts or even just hitting me up and talking will help me greatly.  My writing has been effected because I can't concentrate but I want to find a way around that because writing has always been the most perfect distraction for me to just get my mind off of my real life problems.  Writing and acting/theatre have always been escapes for me and I don't want the contamination of my depression fighting life to get in the way of that.  Thank you all for taking the time to read this.  I love you all.  You are all truly great people to me and I thank you for all you've done/help me with as I continue to find answers in my life to fight this great evil..

Your family forever,
---Brian Shay

Jason P. Davidson

  • Guest
Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2016, 08:05:59 PM »
Sorry to hear that you're going through all of that Brian. Life does truly suck sometimes but trust me when I say you're not alone in anything that you're going through. I may not have all the answers or be able to exactly sympathize with your particular situation but if you ever need someone to talk to about it or to chat about whatever you can always hit me up man.


  • Guest
Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2016, 11:15:30 PM »
I've had wide-ranging diagnoses over the last close to 25 years.  Sociopath, bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, manic depression.  I'm on three different medications now, have gone through probably a dozen others.  I completely understand where you're at even if the explanations don't come easy.

One thing I discovered recently that has started to help is a book called the Gorilla Mindset.  It's an ebook you can buy through Amazon, or you know, because it's a digital format, you might be able to acquire it through other means.  It really forces you to look at your life in a different manner so that solutions might come easier.  I balked at the book myself when I was told about it, but it does have its merits if you're willing to put the work into it.

I'll spare you the cliches because as somebody who suffers like you do, hearing them really do sound empty.  You're in that bind where you need more than just sympathy, you need something concrete.  Trust me, it will pass.  As long as you continue to look at every day as an opportunity for a change for the better, you are one day closer to beating what's dragging you down.  The people who haven't been there will read this and pass it off as me being a cheerleader, and that isn't too inaccurate.  However, those who've been there know how important it is to have that extra bit of motivation given to them.

Things do improve if you continue to fight for it.  Never stop, Brian.

Kaiden Hawke

  • Guest
Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2016, 12:52:44 AM »
I'm in a similar situation. You're not alone. Surgeries keeping me from going to college full time, being that I can't miss too much without being completely lost so it's a lost cause right now, and my girlfriend of three and a half years broke up with me in December. I won't make this a sob story, I know you don't wanna hear it, but the point is, you're literally not alone. I'm not just saying that either.

Anyway, I get you don't know me. I understand I'm new here and all, but yes. If you ever need anyone to talk to, or rant or ask for whatever, just... Know I'm around. We'll find a way to talk somehow. Right now, the best advice I can really give is, just don't give up. Don't stop getting out of bed. Like, find the one stupid little thing that helps you feel happy and do it. For me, that's writing, efedding, video games, TV, that sort of thing. So yeah. Just try to focus on the good things like that. Easy for me to say, I know, just... Yeah. Sorry for sounding all over the place.


  • Guest
Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2016, 11:11:08 PM »
Well, you don't know me either. But I'm in a wheelchair and have my own daily struggles to deal with. So yeah, like everyone's saying...you're not alone. Just got to make the most of the hand you were dealt. It helps to have people to talk to, though. At least for me. So if you ever want to chat about this, that, or the other thing...I'm always happy to lend an ear :).

Offline Jason Cashe

Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2016, 04:44:23 AM »
Well I don't have the troubles any of you have to the same extent. Errybody has a story and it's in that story where life lives and dies. Sometimes there are just no other cards but the ones in your hand. EVEN if you wish you could say Go Fish, shit comes back at you. Stay up folk. Find your Happy Thoughts and hold ya breath when the flood gates DO open. All you can do... if ANY of that makes sense.

Offline Brian Hollywood

Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2016, 11:20:36 PM »
Thank you......ALL of you.  Believe me, all of your posts make complete sense to me and I get it from all aspects even though I may not understand some of your situations, I can definitely sympathize with them.  Like I stated before, you guys are family and you have show that already by standing by me through all of this.  That's just one of many reasons why I choose to stay in this game and keep trekking through.  You guys have brought a smile to my face when it's been so hard for me to even shed a slight smile and I thank you for that....really I do.

I haven't been online for the last few days for obvious reasons but I am trying to make the best of the day that I am confronted with.  Even dealing with the hand I have, when shit happens for no apparent reason and they have no grounds for being there and when they happen when you've done all you can to make someone happy, it shocks you...I was in a great state of shock when it initially happened to me because I thought that that was the one thing in my life where it couldn't be taken away from me.  I was wrong...at least, it looks that way right now.  There's still a belief deep within my soul that believes that this situation will turn around and because of the faith I have in it...I don't know...maybe there's still hope to hang onto in that regard.  Even if I am wrong, it will be tough to move forward but you guys have helped with at least giving me the strength to take those couple more steps, even if they aren't big ones.  That's a start, that's enough for me to fight myself back to full strength, even if it looks like a tough uphill battle.

Feel free to reach out to me anytime, guys.  It would be great to talk to all of you and get to know some of you guys that I don't know as well as others.  That is no issue to me, and like some of these other guys who have known me for years, they will tell you that I am one of the most down to earth, understanding and enjoyable people to talk to in this game and I make the most of all of my friendships with everyone in this game.  I don't do this often....but I'm going to put myself out there a little bit and give out my number.  316-516-5552.  I would be happy to talk to anyone so if you'd like, feel free to send me a message.  Hell, if you're even bold enough, feel free to call me and I'd be happy to talk to any of you guys.  Yea, I know, strange, but in this world, I've learned to adapt to the strangest things and it feels oddly comfortable...HEH..

So again, thank you all for the kind words and even words of encouragement.  I don't like being down in the dumps and I try to avoid it bc oddly enough I am one of the most positive people you will also ever meet and the fact that I'm dealing with this problem tells you a lot with my current well being but what can I say...I'm human.  You all are awesome and amazing people and if anyone ever tries to tell you differently, I will throw a fucking wrench into their balls.  I love you guys and I'm happy and honored to call you guys family.

Rolling on up,

Kaiden Hawke

  • Guest
Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2016, 05:36:07 PM »
I'm no relationship expert, and I understand the problems you're facing are more complicated than I'm making it sound, but I learned when my ex and I broke up that you need to make yourself happy before you can make other people happy. Like, that adage about how you have to love yourself before you love someone else might sound cheesy as heck, but it's true. I relied on her too much to make me happy, and when things went wrong - a fight, an argument, even a little disagreement, because I saw her as my major source of happiness, I felt like shit. That's why the thing people have been saying above, about finding your own happiness is dead on. Without it, you let yourself fall down the rabbit hole, and it feels like the world is falling apart around you. It's like, you have to find solid ground, something to make you happy without relying on someone else too much to do it. Without being so co-dependent like I was. I know, I'm oversimplifying, and I get that your problems don't end there, but you get what I mean. I imagine in a way, it qualifies for everything. Obviously, good luck with the more serious stuff like getting a job and all that, and if I could offer you a job I would, but yeah. lol.

Anyways, I'll have to get in touch with you sometime. Maybe you need to get skype. lol

Offline Brian Hollywood

Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2016, 10:17:20 PM »
Oh I've already got skype, lol.  One of the things I've actually had for a long time.  Skype is colonelbreaker.  Feel free to hit me up anytime.  Same goes for everyone else.  Didn't think about adding it in here as my number is more of a direct line considering I'm usually always around it.  I'm on skype quite a lot, even on my phone but sometimes it doesn't register.  Like I get the messages, but it doesn't actually pop up on my home screen sometimes for some reason but alas, it is what it is lol.

Offline Jason Cashe

Re: State of My Mind...
« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2016, 11:17:31 PM »
People give me headaches on Skype