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Author Topic: All Your Base Are Belong To Me  (Read 171 times)

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Offline Arizona's Most Wanted

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All Your Base Are Belong To Me
« on: August 08, 2016, 04:52:23 AM »

[We open up on sunny Honolulu, Hawaii, at a giant resort pool bustling with people. There's a large water slide on one side of the pool area leading into the pool itself, and a tiki hut drinks area on the other side on the deck itself. In the middle of the pool, lounging on a lounge chair in nothing but a swim suit (hello ladies~) and a straw hat, is our hero Adrian Tanner Junior.]

Adrian: Hi, I'm Adrian Tanner-


[A loud splash is heard close by before best friend, brother-in-law, and Manager Extraordinaire Brandon Young floats by on an inner tube behind Adrian, with a goofy grin and thumbs up gesture to the camera.]

Adrian: -And this is Jackass.


Adrian: Wait, no. Not Jackass. A Professional Wrestling Promotional Video. But I mean they might as well be the same thing right?

[Our hero chuckles to himself.]

Adrian: I'm here today in sunny Honolulu, Hawaii, home of the very next Adrenaline show, enjoying a nice relaxing day with friends and family before I have to go to work and crush some poor sap's dreams. Two of them, in fact.

[Behind him, Brandon floats by on the inner tube making a 'snap' motion with his hands.]

Adrian: I said crush not snap, but thanks man.

Anyways, I'm here today to set a couple things straight, as I couldn't do that in the last bit. By the way, since I know at least one of you won't get it- that last promotional was a joke. I wanted a way to mock the both of you AND start my new job here in good ol' 4CDub that was clever and funny and wasn't just the same dull, rambling bullshit everyone else puts out so yes, I made a parody of the little mermaid. Why? Because I could, Because it was fun. Because somebody has to bring some liveliness and joy to the "rarrrgh Im so bad ass Im gonna kick your ass cus you suck and i r the greetest" word vomit of this place.

[Behind him, Brandon Young floats by, this time on an inflatable shark.]

Adrian: Speaking of word vomit- Hi Anna Badstreet.

I keep trying to find a nice way to put this, one in which it won't hurt your feelings too much because I don't have as much disdain for you as I do #1 Superdad over there but, well, I just can't. So-

Brandon Young, lazily doing the backstroke: What the flying fuck are you talking about?

Adrian: -Yeah, basically. What the flying fuck are you talking about? You rambled off a thing about me being a "rich boy who spends all his time with all the bitches and hoes" or some shit and I just- I can't. I cannot for the life of me figure out where you or "sources" got this information from because that is so far beyond what I am or have ever been about that it almost falls into the realm of just flat out fuckin' slander.

[Behind him, once again, Brandon floats by, this time standing atop a surfboard with a sign that read "you = not smrt." How big is this freaking pool?]

Adrian: But the best part of the whole nonsense you spouted is the "but that is something he must be careful of when he faces someone who deals with wrestling on a constant basis."

[Our hero stops at this, giving a deadpan look at the camera. Brandon floats by still on the surf board giving a deadpan look at the camera. Hell, the entire poolside area gives a deadpan look at the camera, and most of them aren't even paying attention to it.]

Adrian: I'm sorry but, is the amount of research you and your "sources" did about me anything more than oh, say, staring blankly at my profile picture on for a couple minutes because I just don't see how someone who claims to be a goddamn lawyer could be so wrong about so many things!

Do they not teach you to research in law school these days?

Lady, I've been wrestling since I was ten years old! I jumped off my first turnbuckle at three. I GREW UP in this business! I am a fucking LEGACY! From my brothers before me to my children after me- Wrestling is my life! And that ring is my one true love!

So you can blather on about all the nonexistent bitches and hoes you see me with all you want but the fact is that that ring is who my heart belongs to. Maybe one day I'll have time to care about women who aren't my sister or my adorable little niece but until that time comes, the passion and thrill I get from stomping people like you and World's Greatest Dad into the mat is all the TLC I need!

[Brandon Young floats by chasing a floating waterfall.]

Adrian: By the way, I think the word you're looking for is "pro-se-cute," unless you take the lame "Psychotic Sadist" thing into your lawyer work as well in which case, you're probably a pretty shitty lawyer and- Oh, everything makes a lot more sense now.

[Adrian sighs and shakes his head. Brandon floats by shaking his head as well, but its mostly because he's somehow wearing an inflatable basketball hoop that he's redirecting his face from as someone throws balls at it.]

Adrian: But we'll get to your lame "nicknames" in a second.

[He claps his hands together.]

Adrian: Dante Anglais. Oh, where do I begin with you?

Alright, let's start with how I catfish'd you so hard you might as well be an actual catfish. Now I don't like using the ol' "you fell right into my TRAP~!" bullshit because that's almost as lame as calling yourself "the Infinite God" and expecting anyone to take you seriously after your ridiculous Days of Our Lives promotional video but hey, when it's the truth it's the truth.


Adrian: I put that break dancing thing in my profile on for a reason- well two reasons, really. A, to see if either of you would be stupid enough to read it and buy any of it as real and man you bought it hook, line, and sinker.

And two, to make a point. Everyone in this godforsaken company has like eight nicknames and they're all some ridiculous form of "the Dark God, the Dark Messiah, the Infinite God, the Dark Lady of Wrestling, The King of Everything, the Evil Dead, the Butcher of who gives a fuck, the Murderous Murder of Murderstreet" and it's all just so, so very-

Brandon Young, floating by again, this time on a giant rubber ducky: Sad and pathetic?

Adrian: I was gonna go for trite and boring, but yeah that works too. Here's a tip kiddies, when everyone in the company is some form of "the Dark King of Everything forever" being "the infinite God" or the "Psychotic Sadist" doesn't make you interesting! It makes you-

Brandon Young, floating by the other way on the rubber ducky: Super sad and pathetic?

Adrian: Brandon, not now. But also yeah, kinda.

I gave you those nicknames to see who would be stupid enough to buy into them and congrats, Dante- A Winner is You!

[Double thumbs up to the camera.]

Adrian: You're right, Dante, my ego isn't as big as yours. But see, ego is usually based on lies. People with huge egos usually have-

Brandon Young floating back on by, still on the rubber ducky: Tiny peepees?

Adrian: Brandon, for the love of God I will pop that thing!

[Our hero reaches back to swat at his best friend and cornerman, but he's already out of reach.]

Adrian: Ahem. People with huge egos are usually hiding something. Whether it's-

[A pause, waiting to see if he'll be interrupted again.]

Adrian: -overcompensating for your actual talent, a lack of intelligence, or just plain not knowing what the fuck you're talking about. You use your supposed "ego" and you gloat on about how "no one can defeat your talent." No one has "a fraction" of the talent you have, when really, you're just spouting baseless words that are going to mean nothing in the end, because in the end, you KNOW you're just not as good as you claim to be!

And that's the difference.

I don't need to pretend to have an "ego." Am I arrogant like Anna claimed? Sure. But that arrogance comes from YEARS of busting my ass in this business. Years of bleeding, sweating, damn near dying for the right to be called one of, if not, the, best in that ring! I don't need to say "you don't have a fraction of my talent because I'm tha bestest EVA!~ and I'm going to beat you because suck and I don't."

I'm just going to simply do it. Beat you, that is.

Oh, and one more thing. I don't "think" the fans like me. I know they do. They love and adore me, because I've dedicated my entire life to building my brand, building an empire- making sure that every time I step through those ropes and they cheer and chant my name all over the world, that I deserve it. I've earned their love and respect by busting my ass and stomping people like you into the ground for their amusement!

Just because you're an insufferable prick doesn't mean everyone else is, capiche?

[Brandon Young floats by once more, this time wearing actual floaties. The less said about it, the better, really.]

Adrian: It's like this, guys. I'm not saying neither of you have any talent whatsoever- It's just not gonna matter how much real talent you actually have! Because at the end of the day, when that match is over and done with, there's only gonna be one person with their hand raised in victory.


And it's not because I'm more Psychotically Sadistic, and it's not because I'm Infinitely Godly enough, it's because no matter how good you are, or you think you are- I'm still better. I've got 11 years of professional experience to prove it. I've got 11 years of looking into the eyes of people telling me I'm "not good enough," I'm "too small," I'm "a nerd/geek/loser/whatever bright comment muscle bound meatheads think is kewl and hip" and laughing in their faces after I've bashed their skulls into the mat over and over and over and over and over until they're too unconscious to continue.

There's one nickname I need you both to understand and take for real because it will help you greatly in the long run. Well, the short run, really but- you get the idea.

They call me the Arizona Assassin, and no it's not because of the gun references. Though it used to be. And no, I'm not going to be lame and threaten to Actually Kill You because this is pro wrestling and murder is still illegal- as much as I wish it wasn't sometimes. It's a name that sticks with yours truly because like an assassin, my aim rarely misses. I have perfected the art of tearing people like you both apart piece by piece, limb by limb, until all that is left of you is a bloody stain on the mat. Like an assassin, I know just-

[Snaps his fingers.]

Adrian: -how to hit you exactly spot on with just enough force to render that arm useless or buckle that knee out from under you for just enough time for me to drop you on your skull and knock you into sweet, sweet oblivion.

My words are biting but my kicks are lethal, and my ability to fly through the air with the greatest of ease is on par to the greats of yesteryear. I've been trained in every goddamn style you could possibly throw at me and if I don't know how to counter you, I will learn. Because learning and evolving and adapting is the most important step to winning in professional wrestling.

And winning is kinda what I do.

[A small smirk plays at our Hero's lips. He brings his hands together, popping his knuckles as he stares directly into the camera. ]

Adrian: But go ahead, doubt me. Believe your own bullshit. Believe your "sources" that I am just some supposed "rich kid" with too many bitches and hoes around. Believe that I am "not within a fraction of your talent."

Just don't say I didn't give you ample warning.

[In customary fashion, your hero and mine points one hand at the camera in a gun gesture. The smirk gets wider, and a bit darker, as he 'cocks' the gun and 'fires.']

Adrian: Bang.

[See you, Space Cowboy.]