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Author Topic: Bad Company Episode II: Attack of the Clones  (Read 541 times)

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Offline Arizona's Most Wanted

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Bad Company Episode II: Attack of the Clones
« on: September 04, 2016, 04:54:25 AM »

[We open up inside of a badly made recording studio that's probably done up in someone's backyard. A podium made out of cardboard stands at one end of a 'stage' while 7 tables are set up on the other side, each with their own set of cardboard cutouts, dressed to look like the rest of the Bad Company tournament participants. Brandon Young walks up to the 'podium.']

Brandon: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the beautiful Who Gives a Shit Studios in sunny What the Fuck Even, Florida. I'm your host, Brandon-

[He's abruptly cut off by the arrival of Our Hero, Adrian Tanner.]

Adrian: -Ahem.

Brandon: And here's our co-host-

Adrian: No.

Brandon: No?

Adrian: No.

Brandon: Maybe?

Adrian: No. Nope. Nada. Negatory. Not happening.

Brandon: Aww why not? I worked really hard on this!

[He gestures to the shoddily constructed 'set' with the utmost sincerity.]

Adrian: Because we are not fucking hacks, Brandon. This shit-

[Adrian also gestures to the shoddily constructed 'set,' but also to the made up opponents behind him.]

Adrian: -wasn't original or entertaining in two thousand and six, it's not going to be any better ten years later.

[Both men turn and stare at the camera. For a long time. It's kinda uncomfortable how long they stare directly at you, JPD, and you, the viewers.]

Brandon: Fiiiiiiiiine. What do you suggest we do then, mister soon-to-be-a-bazillion-time-tag-team-champion.

[Adrian mimics Brandon from earlier with a shrug.]

Adrian: I dunno, you're the Manager Extraordinaire, figure something out. I gotta get back to training.

Brandon: Fine.


[Cut back in, it's late at night in the middle of an alleyway off the side of a large building. Two flashlights shine light down the alley as our Heroes enter the shot, Brandon leading the way.]

Brandon: I'm tellin' you man, you need to see this.

Adrian: Brandon, I swear, if this is some kind of prank I am feeding you to Rosie.

Brandon: I don't think robots eat, dude. And I promise you, this as legit as legit gets. Well, at least as far as I can tell.

Adrian: Alright, show me then.

Brandon: Aight, hold this.

[Brandon hands his flashlight to Adrian, who resists the urge to play flashlight tag with himself because he's An Adult, Dammit. Brandon pulls out a cell phone-like device and begins swiping his fingers across it.]

Adrian: I'm not seein' anything.

Brandon: Give it a second!

[He swipes more, and eventually a low rumbling sound can be heard as a square piece of the asphalt in the alley suddenly opens up in front of them. Adrian shines a light into the hole made by the reveal, showing a set of steps leading down to a door.]

Adrian: What the hell?

Brandon: Right!? C'mon, there's more.

[Brandon takes his flashlight back, ducks down under the asphalt opening and walks down the stairs. Adrian scratches his head in confusion for a moment, but follows along after him.]

Brandon: Alright, you ready for this? Ready to be amazed? Astounded? Shocked? Bamboozled?

Adrian: Just get on with it.

[Brandon presses more buttons on the device and the door swings open. Both men step inside, and what's inside looks like a mad scientist's wet dream. All sorts of high end science equipment litter the room, along with examination tables, cabinets full of chemicals and oh yeah, the six large tanks in the back filled with a water-like substance and something else.]

Adrian: What the hell!? Are those-

Brandon: Yeah-hep.

Adrian: What the fuck is this doing underneath the school!?

Brandon: Methinks big bro Bryant has some 'splainin' to dooooo! But that's not even the craziest part, watch this!

[He presses more buttons on the cell phone device, and the tanks come to life!]

Adrian: ...What are you- Waaaaaait a minute. Brandon, you didn't-

Brandon: I did! Think about it, man. What did you basically say about all these asshats a few promos ago? C'mon it's right there for ya!

Adrian: That... they're...

[Our Hero sighs, heavily.]

Adrian: Brandon, we went over this like, an hour ago. You are not making clones of my opponents. That's not any better than the fake actors bit.

Brandon: What? Naaaah man, these are for something else. The room is just atmosphere for the promotional. Y'know, give it the ol' authentic feel when you make the point you know you're dying to make!

[Adrian tries to argue that point. He really wants to, but he can't.]

Adrian: ...Fair. So uh, what are you doing with this thing than?

Brandon: Oh uh, nothing important.

[He says, pulling out a perfect rendition of a Cobra Commander mask, which he slides over his face. He swipes another button on the device and a glass door on a tank opens, revealing a sight straight out of the 80's G.I. Joe cartoons.]

Cobra Trooper: Hail Cobra!

Brandon: Hail Cobra.

[Brandon presses another button and the first tank closes, while another opens up revealing the same as the first. Adrian's head side-tilts again.]

Adrian: O.... Kay. I'm uh, I'm just gonna go over here now.

Brandon: Probably for the best. Hail Cobra.

[Adrian slowly backs away to the other side of the room to a table in the far back. He turns away from Brandon, addressing the camera itself.]

Adrian: 4CDub, what's up? It's that time again! Time to make the rest of the roster hate me while I win more matches. And this time I get the added benefit of winning not only yet another tournament, but my first of many, many titles in the process! What's it been, three matches?  Is that a new record?

[He calls out over his shoulder to Brandon in the background, who doesn't look up from his evil clone making device but answers back anyways.]

Brandon: IGA.

Cobra Trooper: Hail Cobra!

Brandon: Hail Cobra.

Adrian: Oh right. The Pat.

[Adrian shakes his head, turning back to the camera.]

Adrian: I get to do all that, and I get to do it with a brand new tag team partner, my new pal Johnny E. Now, I see people out there sayin' things like, "Johnny Evil and Adrian Tanner are nobodies who cares about them?"  And... Oh wait, that's literally the only thing anyone that isn't JPD and Eli have said about us.

[Adrian deadpan stares into the camera. Research people, it ain't hard.]

Adrian: Now I know, I know, we're newcomers and unless you're the two dudes who can't get Johnny's dick outta their mouths, nobody knows much about us. It's a fair point. It really is.

But it ain't "win an entire one night Tag Team Tournament for the Tag Team Championships" worthy.

I know almost zero about everyone in this shindig aside from what I see at the shows, but I was at least smart enough to y'know, watch the programming we are all a part of and scout my would-be competition. It's a little something winners tend to do.

And here's a free tip right now, ladies and germs-

[He gets real close to the camera, eyes brimming with confidence.]

Adrian: Winning Tag Team Titles is what I do.

[He backs up to normal space, a small smirk on his lips.]

Adrian: If either of you had the brains enough to do any sort of research beyond "lulz Johnny E sucks and his partner must suck too lulz" you might've maybe done some google-fu and if you had, you mighta noticed a little something important.

I've won tag team titles in every. single. damn. company I've ever worked in. With a myriad of partners. I've won two of the most important Tag Team tournaments in HISTORY, a tournament that dates back to the NINETEEN EIGHTIES, and I've won it twice. I was voted not just number one wrestler in said company that I originally won it in, but number one wrestler in the world because of my accomplishments in Tag Team Wrestling all over the world in 2006.

So yeah, me and tag team wrestling? We know each other quite well.

[The smirk grows wider. Fear it.]

Adrian: As for someone I don't know very well- Johnny E. But! That's the greatness of tag team wrestling! Putting two people together and seeing if they gel, and so far I think me and Johnny are gonna juuuuuuust fine in this thing.

Y'know, because I'm a tag team GOD and Johnny's so far into the heads of half of the two teams that could give us any sort of a real challenge without even really doing anything that it's just kinda hilarious.

And sad. Really, really sad.

Eli, JPD, for two dudes who claim you "don't give a shit about Johnny Evil?" You sure can't stop sayin' his name. That reeks of something, and not the weed my partner's probably smoking right now. No, it reeks of overcompensation. Grasping at straws when you have nothing better to go on. Sure that pretty much sums up this entire tournament but man, you two, you two are the woooooooorst.  Let's focus on Eli since he's my first round opponent.

Here's the thing Eli, you ramble on claiming you and Genevie are "royalty" and how you're so great and awesome and amazing, but dude your entire promotional amounted to nothing. You called my partner's name a lot, called him boring and called us gay together, but what the fuck did you do? Have sex with a pig or have sex with Genie and somehow conceived a pig or- I don't even know. The joke was a funny one, don't get me wrong, I laughed. But when that's all you have to go on?

You ain't got shit, son.

Trying too hard, thy name is you. And that's not just a response to your promotional but really, your entire life. This whole "relationship" between you and "your girl" is a goddamn farce and nobody likes you, man.

[He offers a sarcastic, yet apologetic shrug.]

Adrian: And I know you're a pro wrestler and a Real man so you don't care whether anyone likes you but man, you're entire shtick reeks of desperation. From your sad lovers quarrel on twitter to this claiming to be "4CW royalty." You and Genevie are only "royalty" because you're teamed up with the boss. Here in reality, you're both kinda ass. Not from a wrestling perspective but an- everything else kind of perspective.

Although while we're talking about the wrestling perspective... Your "girl," Genevie, remind me of something. She walked in to 4CW as Fate Champion, sure, but uh... HOW many matches has she won again since then?

[The Arizona Assassin strokes his chin thoughtfully.]

Adrian: Oh right. Zero. Even went and lost her brand new title riiiight back to the old champ too. Real bang up job for a "royal."  You barely squeak by Laughlin and suddenly you think you're kingshit around here and nothing can stop you. Well I got news for ya, buddy.

We can.

And we will.

Because while you're concentrating on everyone else, me and Johnny are concentrating on you and Genevie, because that's what real professional wrestlers do when faced with a challenge put in front of them. Oh we're focusing on the others too, but making you and your "girl" eat your words like I'm sure you wanna eat the pig-

Brandon: -Are you talking about Babe or Genevie?

Adrian: Brandon, not now!

Brandon: My bad. Hail Cobra.

Cobra Trooper: Hail Cobra!

Adrian: Making you and your "girl" eat your words like so much bacon is going to be sweet, sweet syrupy justice. Justice for your butchering of the name of tag team wrestling, or butchering of relationships in general. Take your pick. We're flexible.

[A half-assed thumbs up for the camera.]

Adrian: I'm gonna skip ahead a bit and jump to our supposed "Champions" JPD and, uh, TPD.

Brandon: Heh, TeePee.

Adrian: Brandon!

Brandon: Sorry, sorry. Hail Cobra.

Cobra Trooper: Hail Cobra!

[Adrian shakes his head, then continues.]

Adrian: Jason, basically take everything I just said about Eli and apply it to yourself. Aside from the "bad at relationships" and "barely competent wrestler" parts because you and your wife actually seem pretty capable in that ring. I mean I was at Ante Up, I saw you run through that XTC match AND defend your tag titles. That was pretty cool.

Howeeeeeeever. Y'know you mentioned at the start of your promotional that everyone used to call the tag title division and the belts worthless? Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I can see it. You're jokes. You don't take this shit seriously, and when you don't take your own championships seriously nobody else will either. Luckily, I'm glad to be able to take those belts from your cold, broken hands. if someone else doesn't get to it first of course.

I won't deny that both of ya'll are damn talented but man, this fuckin' "Double Dare" ripoff? Stop it. Seriously. Just stop. You're embarrassing yourself. That shit wasn't funny ten years ago, it's even less so now. Leave the comedy to people who actually know how to do it, please.

Also, when the-

Cobra Trooper: Hail Santa!

[Adrian glances over his shoulder.]

Adrian: ...Okay?

[Brandon looks back at him, shrugs, pushes the Trooper along. Adrian turns back around.]

Adrian: Also when the only thing you've got to say about me is something I referenced myself as something no-talent hacks do when they have nothing better to "get me" with like two promos ago? Yeah you need to sit the fuck down and let the real wordsmiths waltz their ways into Tag Team Gold.

Brandon: Gun references. Literally the only thing you've got. Sad. Also, Hail Cobra.

Cobra Trooper: Hail Cobra!

Adrian: The rest of the tournament, well, I don't wanna be a hypocrite but... nobody in this fucking tournament has anything interesting, unique, or creative to say. About me, or anyone else in this fucking thing. It's almost like you're all a bunch of-

Brandon: Clones?

[Brandon grins at the camera from the background. We've come full circle.]

Adrian: Basically.  "I am the best so we will win this tournament." "No I am the best so we will win this tournament." "Adrian and Johnny are newcomers and therefore they will lose because they are new and new people don't matter and also they're gay and suck each other off because we have the mental capacity of a fourth grader and can't think of anything more witty to insult them with." Wash, rinse, repeat, spray pig shit on it, wash some more. That's everyone in this fuckin' thing, and it stinks. Three-fourths of the teams in this thing either hate each other or each other's significant others-slash-managers. And I'm just supposed to lay down and accept that one of THEM's gonna take this tournament over me and Johnny E, a fully coherent, fully on the same page tag team!?

Fuck outta here with that.

This was supposed to be a tournament of random teams paired up to fight for the supposed 'top' prize in the 4CW Tag division, but guys, not everyone has to play up the feuding tag team partners trope ya know? Bryan Williams and Maddox Lucien don't think Johnny and me are a good fit? Why? Because his 'last name's' Evil? Really? That's it? Because we weren't thrown together by the boss?

Here's a clue guys. I chose Johnny. Because we wrestle similar styles. We have similar thoughts about the business. And we just plain kinda hate guys like Eli and JPD.

The way I see it, Johnny and I are the team with the MOST reason in this entire fucking tournament for winning. Sure, we're a new team, but we already embody everything that a good tag team should be. Qualities that none of ya'll aside from the Monstimals carry.

Brandon: I like Raab. He seems like a good kid.

Adrian: Same.

[Our hero takes a deep breath, rubbing his hands together.]

Adrian: Look, I'm not saying everyone in this tournament is ass -though I am kinda saying that to Genevie and Eli- but I just feel like, if there's any one team in this tournament who, by the grace of what the tournament is supposed to represent, should win it's me and Johnny E! Cashe is great when he puts his mind to it, but I just don't see his heart being in it after the last show and given who his partner is. Sativah and Keith Daniels are Big and Mean, but I've fought bigger, and I've beaten "meaner." Sometimes both at once.

Hi, Randy.

[A sarcastic wave to the camera.]

Adrian: Mad Candy are good individually, but they're just not there yet. If they stay as a team after this thing, they'll be gold in a couple months. The South Park Goth Kids involve, y'know, Randall Kash and... well Kash knows how well me versus him turns out.

[Another smirk.]

Adrian: The other teams I've ranted enough about. It comes down to this: Bad Company Two. Tag Team Tournament. Tag Team Gold. I told ya'll from the start I was here to win all your titles. This is the start. This is the point where Johnny Evil and Adrian Tanner make their marks on good ol' 4CDub, and we're gonna do it by beating the so-called "royals" and shitkicking whichever other poor saps get in our way.

Because  we're smart enough, we're good enough, and doggone it people like us!

[Insert 'aw shucks' arm gesture, overly happy smile and overly exaggerated thumbs up here.]

Adrian: ...Maybe not the people we're about to stomp into the ground, but the people who matter! The fans, our friends and loved ones, etcetera.

And that's what's important.

Okay fading time now. Like Eli's career goals. Or the "Champs" chances of walking out of this thing with their titles, whether its by me and Johnny E or someone else. Or the rest of the clones and their shots at-

...Okay I'll stop for real. Ciao.

[See You, Space Cowboy.]