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Offline Arizona's Most Wanted

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Carved from Mighty Oak
« on: November 16, 2016, 04:56:42 PM »
"You're a little bitch."

Backstage after Adrenaline, the Asshole Antagonists locker room. Adrian Tanner Junior, sitting on a bench and holding an icepack to his head. And he does not look happy.

Adrian: Am I talking to Eli, or to JPD? Does it matter? Not really. It counts for both of you, really.

You little bitches.

He moves the icepack onto various spots around his head and neck, wincing each time he does so.

Adrian: I'm not stupid. I knew this would happen. I fully expected the run-in during the match with Jair and me and yet- I had slight hope that after everything Eli went through to get into the position he found himself in after Fright Night that the "Number 1 Contender" would be able to put on a pair of big boy panties and handle things by himself. Guess I shoulda known better after how he won in the first place. Let your bitch sacrifice herself for you and took the bitch way out.

So it's only natural for you to be the biggest bitch and fuck over MY match with Jair so you can be the little glory hogging dillhole that you are.

His eyes close for a long moment as he rests the icepack against a particularly sore part of his neck.

Adrian: JPD: Go fuck yourself, you bag of dicks.

I had no problem giving you a shot at this title, all you had to do was ask. But no, you had to be the second biggest baby in the ring tonight. I thought out of all of the "royal family" that you had some honor.

Don't worry, I won't make that mistake again.

Shakes his head as he rolls his eyes.

Adrian: Jair, if you want some backup that isn't fucking drunk off his ass Jason Cashe, hit me up. I got your back. These fucksticks can't be allowed to run rampant over this company anymore.

He makes a 'call me' motion with his hand, dropping the icepack into a bucket before climbing to his feet. He pulls up the XTV title from the bench as he starts to make his way towards the door.

Adrian: Can't fuckin' believe this shit.

More head-shaking as we cut to black.


The Organization for Ridding the Earth of Stupid People Presents:

The Amazing Adventures of BatTan and Brand-in in: The Curse of the Killer Clowns!

Adrian voice over: ...This isn't gonna be another Shiro Zombie joke, is it? Because I gotta tell you, I'd rather kill myself.

Brandon voice over: Uhhhhh, probably not?

Adrian voice over : Brandon...

Brandon voice over: Look man how the fuck am I supposed to know? I don't plan ALL the ridiculous shit that happens in your promotionals (just most of 'em).

Adrian voice over: ...


The Organization for Ridding the Earth of Stupid People Presents:

The Amazing Adventures of BatTan and Brand-in in - The Curse of the Killer Clowns Who Are Definitely Not Zombie Clones We Promise!


We open to find our Heroes standing inside of a large mansion, dressed in full '60's era Batman and Robin outfits. Somewhere, an alarm is blaring. It sounds more like an alarm from an alarm clock than a secret Bat-computer warning of imminent danger but you work with what you got. 'BatTan' takes one look at himself and his 'sidekick' and shakes his head.

Adrian: I already hate this.

Brandon: Holy shitballs, BatTan!  The Bat-Alarm is going crazy! We'd better get down and see what's going on!

Adrian: This is just so you can make "Holy ____, Batman" jokes, isn't it?

Brandon: I have no idea what you're talking about. Hurry, BatTan! There's no time to lose!

'Brand-in' rushes over to the fireplace and pulls a hidden lever revealing, yes, the Bat Poles. 'BatTan' tilts his head in disbelief as 'Brand-in' disappears down one of the poles.

Adrian: Well I... have to give him credit for authenticity I guess.

'BatTan' slowly but surely makes his way to the pole and slides down it, and we switch POV's the 'Batcave.' Inside the cave there's a collection of cases with 'trophies' lining the walls leading to a large computer screen further back. 'BatTan' stares at each as he passes by. There's one that reads "Jonny Bedlam's dignity," another with a certificate inside it that has "#1 Super-dad Dante Anglais" on it, the three-headed zombie head of Maddox Lucien from the Island of Doctor Moron, a giant quarter with Brandon's likeness etched into it, and various others. 'BatTan' finally makes his way over to the Batcomputer, which 'Brand-in' has already graciously turned on and set up. The screen shows a bunch of shady-looking dudes in bad Sativa Naveah masks, which is kinda hard to make look even worse but we digress, standing around a warehouse with weapons. Not machine guns and the like- Steel chairs, baseball bats, barbed wire. That kinda shit. 'BatTan' does another head-tilt.

Brandon: Holy fuck me sideways, BatTan! The Killer Klowns are on the loose! We have to stop them quick!

Adrian: Really.

Brandon: Holy slap me silly and call me Suzy, BatTan, yeah really!

Adrian: Really.

Brandon: Holy-

'BatTan' holds up a hand in frustration.

Adrian: No. Stop. I get it. Let's just get this over with.

Our Dynamic Duo hop into the 'Batmobile' - a beat up convertable painted black with 'bat ears' glued to the side and drive off.


Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Killer Klown #1: Aw geez boss we's totes gonna get totally wasted with all this green 'n shit! I can't wait to drown my dark urges in all this blood and violence, yeaaaah!

Our Heroes lurk from the shadows of the warehouse, ready to pounce at any moment. And they do, dropping down on Killer Klown #1 and all his Killer Klown buddies. 'Brand-in' nudges 'BatTan' in the shoulder.

Brandon: Psst, do the thing.

'BatTan' sighs heavily.

Adrian: Halt, evil-doers. BatTan and Brand-in are here to put a stop to your villainy.

It's about as apathetic as you'd expect. But it does the job.

Vampyre Killer Klown #2: Aw shucks, it's BatTan and Brand-in! We must uphold the darkness inside of our hearts and KILL THEM for the Duchess! She who is the MOST violent and EVIL of all must be avenged!

Adrian: But we didn't do anything to her yet.

You don't know my life I'm so Goffic Killer Klown #3: Avenged!






Our Heroes engage in fisticuffs with the clowns. It goes about as well as you'd expect.






Adrian: Okay well now you're just scatting.


Adrian: Are we done here?

'BatTan' and 'Brand-in' stand amongst the fallen Killer Klowns, victorious and no worse for wear.

Adrian: Huzzah!

As soon as he says that, the alarm clock alarm goes off again.

Adrian: Alright come on. how does that even work we're nowhere near 'Home.'

'Brand-in' quickly throws a battery-powered alarm clock out of view.

Brandon: Holy stick a dick in me harder than Sativa wants Johnny's up in her, BatTan! Another Killer Klown sighting!

'BatTan' just- stares at his 'partner' for a long, long moment.

Adrian: First off, what? Secondly... Fuck it the sooner we get this over with the sooner I can do literally anything else.

Our Heroes jump back into the 'Batmobile' and they're off again.


Adrian: ...Absolutely fucking not.

We cut back in to find our Dynamic Duo standing outside of a children's birthday party. There's a bunch of kids in clown makeup and face-paint, and an actual clown painting them up at a booth near a slide.

Adrian: This is not happening, Brandon.

Brandon: Fuck man, secret identities! It's Brand-in in public, you know that!

Adrian: Because that's better.

Brandon: Totally! Also! Holy fucking shit, BatTan! We've found the source of the evil! We have to hurry and stop it right away before it spreads even further.

Adrian: Nnnnnnnnope.

Brandon: But- But look at them! They've been possessed by the Killer Klowns! They're dark and goffic and evil!

Random Child: YOU'RE evil!

Suddenly a random child at the party runs up to 'Brand-in,' kicking him hard in the shin.

Brandon: Ow! You're gonna pay for that you little-

'Brand-in' disappears out of shot chasing after the child. 'BatTan' palms his face.

Adrian: Wait for it.

The sound of 'Brand-in' screaming echoes throughout the neighborhood as he runs by in the background, being chased by a large contingent of the children from the party. 'BatTan' hasn't taken his hand away from his face.


Adrian: He's being chased by the kids, isn't he?

The camera shakes up and down as if indicating a 'yes.'


'Brand-in' runs back the other way, somehow being chased by even more children. 'BatTan' sighs, again. It's all he can really do at this point in their friendship.

Adrian: Come on camera guy, I, as always, want no part in this.

'BatTan' moves as quietly as possible to get as far away as possible from his 'partner' while still being in viewing distance of the chaos.

Adrian: Well, I suppose I have to give him some credit. It wasn't a Shiro Zombie joke.

'BatTan' glances back at the chaos, frowning.

Adrian: Although I'm not sure this is actually better. Brandon, don't punch a kid!

Brandon: It's BRAND-IN-ACK!

The children start to dog pile on 'Brand-in.' 'BatTan' turns back around and pretends not to know him.

Adrian: I swear one of these he's going to land us in actual prison.

Speaking of bullshit arrests- Hi, Sativa!

'BatTan' waves to the camera.

Oh wait, that's not a wave. That's a Batman-themed middle finger.

Adrian: Here's the deal, kiddos. BatTan's not in a good mood. Not only did I have my match with the 4CW Champ ruined by a giant walking baby, I got my shit kicked in by a fucking COWARD with no balls. So yeah, I'm not in the highest spirits this show.

Luckily, the Fates saw to it to give me a nice, worthy punching bag for me to take my anger out on.

Make no mistake Sativa, that's all you are to me right now: A punching bag. You're a stress ball. A way to vent my anger while also putting on a clinic for MY title.

And that's what it's gonna be: A clinic.

'BatTan' makes a quick glance back at the chaos at the birthday party. The children have tied Brandon to a tree and are using him as a makeshift pinata. He shrugs, and turns back to the camera.

Adrian: You put off this vibe of being wacky, zany, craaaaaaaaazzzzzzy and word yo homie dawg pass the blunt we gots to get our smoke on forreal dawg homie g for life!

'BatTan' rolls his eyes.

Adrian: The truth is, you're a fraud. You're nothing that I haven't seen before. I helped write the fuckin' book on 'zany,' do you really think I'm scared of you sad, tired Harley Quinn rip off ass?

The answer is no. I am not.

No matter how many times you call me or Johnny 'gay', which by the way- bravo on such original insults. Really. A-Plus material, never heard it before. First time I've ever heard that one.

Oh wait. 

More eye rolling.

Adrian: 'A bitch ass.' 'Bitch boy.' 'Gay.'  That's all the shit you got to throw at me, you fourth-rate wannabe Batman villain.

This title is whatever *I* choose it to be, oh great Douche-ess of Wrestling. And I choose it to stand for something more than just asinine violence for the sake of violence.

Of course the notion of this belt would suit you perfectly, that's all you are. Cheap gimmicks and a violence fetish. Well tough luck sister, it ain't leavin' MY side anytime soon. I didn't just throw out that little goal to sound cool. I threw it out there because I know full well I can live up to it. See, in MY world, in the world where REAL professional wrestlers live- we don't NEED gimmicks to win matches. We don't need to be 'hardcore' to get the job done. I am a PROFESSIONAL fucking WRESTLER, first and foremost. It is in my blood, it is what makes me what and who I am, and I am better than ninety-percent of this sad roster at doing it.

Your little baseball bat doesn't scare me. YOU- don't scare me. You're a hell of a wrestler but you're so stuck in this little 'I'm so craaaaaazy' life and it's going to lead you to a whole lot of nothing in the end. I've seen this before. I've beaten 'this' before, and I will do so again because whether anyone likes it or not the XTV Title is MY title now and for as long as I fuckin' feel like it.

A cursory glance back at the party. The kids have almost buried Brandon up to his head in dirt. Somehow no parents are around doing anything about this. 'BatTan' would worry but, 'BatTan' don't care at the moment.

Adrian: I stand by what I said. Violence for the sake of violence is lame. I'll fight anyone for this title but I'm doing it my way, and I'm going to KEEP doing it my way because neither you nor Raab have what it takes to take it from me.

Hit me with your bat, your chairs, put me through tables. Brutalize me all you want, that's kinda the point. I'm out to prove that even though YOU have to fight with a crutch to win a match, *I* do not. Not unless it's necessary.

'BatTan' stares off into the distance for a second and an image of a JPD doll being set on fire appears on the screen momentarily.

Adrian: And this match- against a clown and a dude who I have respect for but let's be honest hasn't mattered in the twenty or whatever years 4CDub's been open? It ain't necessary.

Because you're a poser with a baseball bat, and I'm the BEST fucking Light Heavyweight in this business.

This ain't about biding my time, playing defense, I'm gonna be right there front and center caving your thick skull in with my boots and my fists, like Raptor Jesus himself intended it to be. I play smart but I don't need to sit back and let you two have all the fun, I'm just gonna have my own fun running circles around both of you while you try- and fail- to hurt me in any significant way to stop me from dropping either of you on your heads and walking back up that ramp with MY title and MY arm raised in victory!

I don't care what you think you're gonna do, or even what you DO. I've been hit harder, I've been beaten worse, by guys who would put the actual fear of GOD in your eyes if you were to ever meet. I've got taken beatings that would make the Devil squeamish.

The entire point of this exercise is that I. DON'T. CARE. what you do TO me, you will not STOP me! Because WRESTLING is what I do! And WRESTLING is all I'm gonna need to win this match, no holds barred or not.

Another glance at the party. There's only a pile of dirt left. 'BatTan' thinks it's probably time to go help now.

Adrian: And Raab you're- here too, I guess? But let's be honest, when was the last time you were even relevant? The Kash feud? A blind amputee monkey could beat Kash. I respect you but yeah, this ain't gonna be your night. Sorry.

He shrugs.

Adrian: Sativa, at Adrenaline you're gonna learn just what this 'bitch boy' does to posers who think they're hot shit. And spoiler alert: It's the same thing I do to every one else.

Hand. Gun. Camera. You know the drill.

Adrian: 'Bang.

Point fuckin' blank, dead in the eyes. You go squish now.

See You, Space Cowboy.