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Author Topic: Yes Bryan, it matters  (Read 365 times)

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Offline Arizona's Most Wanted

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Yes Bryan, it matters
« on: January 29, 2017, 04:53:45 AM »
We open up to the sight of a court room. If you watched NBC between 1984 and 1992 you know the one, though it's slightly different at the moment. NEXTWAVE Manager extraordinaire Brandon Young stands in front of the Judge's chair made to look like a cross between the statue of Liberty and Lady Justice, dressed in green robes with a blindfold over his eyes while holding a fake light up torch in one hand and a pair of scales in the other. At the prosecution table, dressed in their best fancy suits, are Adrian Tanner Junior and Cecil Kennedy. The Defense table is currently empty save for an older blonde woman in a fancy dress suit. A tall bald man looking to be in his early seventies stands on the other side of the Judge's chair, staring incredulously at Brandon.

Brandon: Hear ye, hear ye! Court is now in session! All rise for the honorable Judge Harold T. Stone!

Famed, and confused, actor Harry Anderson walks up to the Judge's chair in his classic judges robes, gavel in hand. He takes a seat in the chair and glances out at the room.

Harry Anderson: Okay I still- don't understand what this even is. Can someone- can someone explain this again?

Brandon: This, your Honor-

He starts to say as he pulls off the blindfold and robes, revealing his own fancy three-piece suit underneath, but still holding the torch and scales. He walks over to the Defense table as he continues.

Brandon: -is the Trial of Adrian Tanner versus the Stupid. 

Harry Anderson: You say that like it's supposed to make anything any clearer. I'm not a real judge but I'm pretty sure you can't run a trial against an idea. 

Markie Post waves her hand in the air to get the 'Judge's' attention.

Markie Post: "Your Honor," I think in this case the concept of "the stupid" refers to an individual, or a group of individuals inability to be coherent, rational human beings and not be-

Brandon: -complete fucking idiots.

Markie post side-eyes Brandon momentarily, but continues.

Markie Post: Well yes, though that wasn't how I was going to phrase it. Also this appears to be less of a trial and more of a stunt coordinated with these gentlemen and their chosen profession as a way to deride Mister Tanner's opponent in a comical way.

Adrian: A stunt, I would like to add, that as usual I had zero part in planning. I'm just running with it because- eh, why not?

Markie Post: And, I mean, they are essentially paying us for what amounts to an unofficial Night Court reunion, so, I'm not against it.

John Larroquette: Paying us pretty handsomely, if I do say so myself.

John Larroquette outta f'n nowhere.

John Larroquette: And being me, I know handsome when I see it.

He says as he takes a seat next to Adrian and Cecil. Harry Anderson doesn't look any less confused, but relents.

Harry Anderson: I'll allow it. For now, I guess.

Adrian steps out from behind the prosecutor's desk.

Adrian: Your honor, I'm here today to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, why the Stupid is a disease most foul and-

Cecil: -why those afflicted with it should be shot out of a cannon into the sun.

Harry Anderson quirks a brow, scratching his head with one hand.

Harry Anderson: Okay, now I KNOW that's illegal. Also impossible.

Adrian: Not if we have anything to say about it.

I mean- that's not the important part here.  The important part, your honor, is that the Stupid is a terrible, terrible affliction. More and more people are infected by it on a daily basis, and as a representative of the Organization for Ridding the Earth of Stupid People it is my solemn duty to do what I can to make sure the Stupid is kept in check as best as it can be.


Markie Post: Oh come on, that's not a real organization!

Adrian: Brandon?

The Young Gun pulls a business card out of his pocket, handing it to his co-defender. The card reads

The Organization for Ridding the Earth of Stupid People(c)
A subsidiary of NEXTWAVE Inc.
established 2005

-A Non-Profit Organization dedicated to ridding the Earth of stupid people.

Markie Post: Huh.

Markie Post hands the card back to Brandon.

Adrian: The Stupid, as its commonly referred to, has many symptoms and affects people in many insidious ways. For instance, and this is just one of many, it may cause what up until that point was a rational, functional human being to align himself with a woman who kidnapped a baby on live television after calling in a fake murder charge on the baby's father.

This causes an audible gasp from most of the non-NEXTWAVE members in the room. Markie Post is the first to gain enough of her bearings to verbally react.

Markie Post: D-Did that really happen!?

Adrian: Yeeeep.

Harry Anderson: And the woman's not in jail, or yknow- federal prison?

Adrian: Nope. In fact! Not only did the elvira-looking wannabe steal my title during this time, she actually ALMOST got away with stealing the BABY for real until someone, namely our boss Perry Wallace who isn't really the bastion of smart decisions- intervened and finally did something about the stupid bullshit.

Richard Moll: Ohhhh-kay.

John Larroquette: Wrestling is fucking stupid.

Adrian: Why yes, yes it IS, Mister Larroquette. But at the same time it's not the sport itself that's stupid- it's the people inhabiting the sport that make it stupid, or at least make it seem that way. Men and women from every race, religion, color and creed come to the sport of Professional Wrestling to ply their craft, to achieve their goals, to be the best that they can be at what they want to be, but I fear the Stupid may have infected too much of the business for those who of us who are the "good" ones to fight the good fight and win.

Cecil: That doesn't stop us from trying.

Adrian glances over at Cecil, nods, and continues.

Adrian: No, of course not. It just makes it... tougher.

The Stupid allows a guy like Bryan Williams- Who I guess until taking one too many shots to the head from Jason Cashe was at one point a logical person, one who could discern good from evil, stupid from not-stupid, baby-stealing from, yknow, literally anything else. But at some point, as it does with many in the sport, the Stupid got into Bryan Williams and turned him from a rational human being into a contradicting hypocrite.

One who had the cajones to make fun of my friends appearing in my promotionals, saying he didn't need a 'wacky cast of characters'  to be successful while spending almost an entire promotional of his own attempting to justify why he's aligned himself with an Internet Troll, a woman who calls herself the "trigger queen," wrestling's Special Fred, and the goofy elvira-looking fuck who didn't beat me for my title, who yeah, kidnapped a fucking child on live television.


At this point, Cecil interrupts.

Cecil: Technically, she kidnapped him during a promotional streamed to the 4CW.com website.

Markie Post interrupts Cecil's interruption.

Markie Post: I think the point is more the 'kidnapped a baby' thing than the live television part.

Harry Anderson: Aren't you supposed to be on the 'Defense,' Markie?

Markie Post: I can't defend this. Nobody can defend this. Or should, at least.

John Larroquette: Even I don't wanna touch that with a ten foot pole.

Harry Anderson: ...Fair enough. Continue.

He motions towards Adrian, who nods with a smile.

Adrian: Bryan Williams is a man who in one sentence will act like I'm some rookie kid just making his mark on the business, claiming things like he was where I am now, claiming one day I'll "grow up" and see the wrestling world as he does- while at the same point, in another sentence claims that I am "old news," "washed up," "overrated" and all that good shit that you say when just have noooothing else to contribute to the conversation.

Richard Moll: Ohhhh-kay.

Adrian: Right?

The Arizona Assassin shrugs.

Adrian: Bryan Williams is a man who doesn't understand why a rational person, a person with values and morals and can see right from wrong, can take issue when he suddenly decides he wants to be a selfish dickhole while still pretending he's a 'good' person out of the ring and oh yeah, allying himself with a baby-stealing piece of shit.

But then again, maybe the 15 ex-wives or ex-girlfriends or whatever should've clued us in on the joke.


Another shrug.

Adrian: But this, this is what the Stupid DOES. This is a classic case of the Stupid taking what was at one point a decent person and turning them into... Ass.

Markie Post: ...Ass?

Adrian: Ass. That's the most polite way I can put it. We are in court after all.

He smirks.

Adrian: Bryan Williams is the kind of guy to ask why does it matter. Why does it matter that I take umbrage with him allying himself with the goofy baby-stealing elvira-looking fuck who didn't beat me for my title . Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things that he's revealed himself to be a shitbag of epic proportions?

...No, not really- well, yeah, the baby-stealing thing matters because that's a fucking felony that you and the rest of your stupid little club are all a-okay to just gloss over because Elvira's a 'pal' but the rest? Nah, not really.


He sighs.

Adrian: But, it's the principle of the thing.

See, when Maddox Lucien, may he rest in Hell, died eveeeeeeeery single one of you fuckin unoriginal clones in the company jumped on us. "Oh you guys KILLED Maddox in the middle of the ring you guys are MURDERERS HAHA LOOK AT THE KILLERS BETTER WATCH OUT THEY'LL KILL YOU NEXT!"


Adrian acts out an incredibly over-exaggerated performance to go along with the words.

Harry Anderson: Wait what-

Markie Post: You guys killed someone?

The Arizona Assassin shakes his head, rolling his eyes.

Adrian: It was an accident. Freak accidents in sports happen all the time, yeah?

John Larroquette: Sure.

Adrian: Look, we dropped the guy on his head wrong, his neck broke, he died. There was some shit about drug problems before the match but either way- it was an accident. The medical examiner noted it as such, the FBI noted it as such, literally everyone in existence noted it as such. But one fake murder charge later my tag partner was in prison on fake charges and we were "the murderers." Over an accident. Yet not a single person has any issue with a woman literally KIDNAPPING a child in a televised promo. THAT is what I have a problem with.

THAT is what the Stupid does to people. It takes an accident and turns it into a joke, but you take a real, actual crime and its just "eh whatever wanna join my stupid club for stupid people smiley-face!"

The Stupid tells people that its okay to let them get away with shit like that because it's "just wrestling." But me? I hold wrestling to a higher standard. Wrestling when it wants to be is the greatest sport on planet motherfucking Earth. Wrestling is my lifeline, it's in my blood. It's what I live for. So when I see the Stupid try to contort it, to twist it into something it isn't for the most cliche fucking reason you can possibly think of- 'taking what's ours,' I have to speak up.


Cecil: You gotta fight Stupid, or the Stupid thinks it's right.

Adrian motions to his friend and one of his many world tag team championship partners and nods.

Adrian: This, exactly one-hundred percent this.

But the problem with Stupid, is that Stupid is too Stupid to know that it's wrong. So you're fighting a losing battle already, because even when you explain in great detail why the Stupid is wrong, the Stupid just plugs its ears  and goes "LALALALA" and continues along its merry, Stupid ways.


Harry Anderson: That's a lot of Stupid.

Adrian: Welcome to my life on a daily basis.

If you don't keep the Stupid in check the Stupid runs rampant and you get thinks like Eli Carlson, 4CW Champion. Though at least in Eli's case, he went through literal, actual Hell for that title.


Cecil: AND he's not a baby-stealer!

Brandon: Yet.

Adrian: Yet.

Adrian and Brandon share a look.

Adrian: Bryan Williams was handed a shot at the Pride title because Perry Wallace wanted to stick it to the then-undefeated Champion. Madison was a no-showing dickbag and Perry wanted the belt back or some shit. But what has Bryan WIlliams done as Pride Champion, exactly? Beat Jason Cashe in their 45-match feud? Okay, cool. Good work. What else? Marquis? I'd say that's impressive but anyone that's paid attention to a Marquis promo or show segment in the last six months can see she's more interested in pegging Cashe than she is actually winning matches.

Cecil: Didn't she basically beg some chick to come in and retire her after losing to Bry Bry?

Adrian: She did. That's how little Marquis cares about the business anymore. Some might say a loss to Bryan Williams did that to her.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm gonna say its the general atmosphere of the business that did it to her. Nobody takes anyone seriously in this business anymore. If you're not their friend you're "shit." You're "garbage," an "afterthought." Everyone's more interested in who's fucking who, who's fucking what, or the Carlsons 247th Twitter Breakup.

Me? I care about Professional Wrestling. I care about the Sport. I care about two guys going in to a ring and kicking the shit out of each other until one of them incapacitates the other. I'm here to be the best Professional Wrestler that I can be, and I don't need to cheat, I don't need weapons, I don't need to morally bankrupt myself to get it done. I don't need to change who I am to do what I do better than almost anyone out there today or the long long ago. I just need to be me. My record will, and does, speak for itself.

But if Bryan Williams needs to do that, then that's what Bryan Williams needs to do.

It just, y'know makes Bryan Williams a sad, sad excuse for a Pride Champion.


He turns away from the Judge's table now, looking directly into the camera.

Adrian: But that's what the Stupid does as well.

The Stupid twists your vision, twists your world-view. Makes you think you're something that you're not. Makes you think you're... better than you really are. Makes your ego so bloated that you can just dismiss one of the most gifted fucking athletes, one of the most decorated Professional Wrestlers in this godforsaken company as an "after thought."


Markie Post: What is doing? He's breaking the fourth wall!

Brandon: Just let him do his thing. This is how this was always gonna go.

Adrian pays them no mind, clearly in the zone.

Adrian: I know egos. I have a pretty big one myself, but the difference is mine was EARNED.

But that's okay, Bryan. I can't blame you for something that you can't control. Once the Stupid gets its hooks into you it's nigh impossible to pull them back out, because by the time you realize you've been infected by it you no longer care. That's where we are now. A man fighting to bring the true spirit of Professional Wrestling back to this company versus a man corrupted by everything wrong with it.

My ego is bigger than yours but I'm pretty my everything is bigger than yours-


Brandon: Oooooh, burn!

Adrian rolls his eyes.

Adrian: Shhhhh!

Lemme uh, rephrase that, heh. My ego is bigger than yours but- so is my wrestling ability. So is my ability to walk circles around whatever gaps of logic you throw out in your sad attempt to justify why think I'm "old news" and you're some hot shit, "champ."

You talk about solidarity with your stupid little group, how what one does doesn't effect the others, that its about the group and nothing else and yet- you yourself said you made this group so you could all win all the titles and rule over the company together. "Take what's yours" and all that.

That's not how wrestling works, Bryan. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. When one part of a group does something stupid it comes back on ALL of you, because YOU dared to take that person into your group. You can't say "I started this group so me and my friends could win all the titles" and then turn around and go "lols only the group matters." That's hypocrisy at it's finest.

But we've already covered that.


He shakes his head. The entire court room shakes their heads.

Adrian: You could talk about a lot of things, Bry Bry. You'd be wrong about most of them, but yeah you could talk about them, I guess. Everyone can talk about things, that's both the greatest and worst thing about living where we live.

Is this really how this is gonna go, Bryan? I say I'm in your head and you respond by saying you've "figured me out" because I made a joke with Woody Harrelson in the last promotional. Oooh, such figure, many out.

How's that reference for ya?


The largest and longest eye roll possible.

Adrian: Congratulations Bryan, you "figured out" my promotional style, which I feel I need to point out again because the Stupid has clouded your tiny little brain so much you didn't get it the first time- The majority of things that take place in my promotionals are NOT designed by me. They just happen. Your buddy Troll Guy does entire promotionals ripping off the latest video game, but please keep talking about MY promotional style and why you've "figured me out" because of a joke that's been a normal part of my promotionals for ten fuckin years now.

Again, contradicting hypocrite- thy name is you.


A long sigh.

Adrian: But at the end of the day whatever shenanigans that happen in said promotionals don't actually MATTER to the substance that's in them. That's the thing that nobody ever grasps, I do jokes and make funny promotionals because its my personality and it works for me but nobody ever looks past the funny gimmicks and dumb comedy to look at what's being SAID. My words are weapons, and in this business the mental game is almost as important as the physical. Fake? My life is an open book Bryan. My 'wacky cast of characters' are my real life friends and family, I just don't send 400 years acting out bad romance fan fictions like the rest of you dorks. My life is this business, I don't have time for all the bullshit when there's titles to win and Stupid to make my bitch.

By the way Bryan, two plus one?

THREE, not four.

But I guess expecting you to know how to count is too much to ask as well.

If this is you "adapting and growing" you need to go back to the evolution tree and try again. You think your "learn, adapt, grow" strategy has turned you into some sturdy redwood oak that can't be toppled but the reality is its turned you into a weed and not the Jason Cashe kind. You're not special, you're not unique, your stupid little club was done better by better people years ago and will be done better by better people years from now as well. There's nothing about you that's any different than anyone else in this company that I've already beaten aside from the fact that your name is Bryan Williams and theirs isn't. You've proven that by continuing to rip off Elvira's entire XTV title match playbook against me.

But please tell me again how I'm the irrelevant one.

I don't sweat you, Bry Bry. I don't have to. While you're trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you are as good as you say you are, I KNOW I am.

I'm a lot show but all show? Nah, son.

But at Adrenaline I'll be just enough show to put you in your place, to make you realize just what everyone else has realized after they step into the ring with me.

The Arizona Assassin ain't nothin to fuck with.


The trademark smirk.

Adrian: You have to fight Stupid, or the Stupid thinks it's right.

I am the orchestrator of your Fall, O Pride Champion. And it's going to end with a Bang.


Bang.