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Offline Arizona's Most Wanted

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Have a Seat
« on: May 08, 2017, 04:59:37 AM »
The scene opens up on what is clearly a sound stage for a poorly done public access type children's show. PBS has fallen on hard times lately, deal with it. The house looks like it's seen better days on the outside, but on the inside its mostly squeaky clean and really shiny. The wonders of Television, am I right?

Inside the house is, well, a house. What did you want? It's a nice looking house, like something out of one of those old 70s shows where you just know deep down one member of the cast has a body buried somewhere in the basement. But otherwise it looks very kid-friendly. Talking wall clocks, furniture with mouths and googly eyes on them, a giant bearded man in a too small genie outfit. Everything Jett Wilder's ever wanted in a daytime television show!

Adrian: Hello kids, and Jett Wilder, and welcome to PB'S Playhouse-

Well, almost everything.

Your Hero and Mine, the Arizona Assassin Adrian Tanner Junior, glances off screen where we see Brandon Young and a multitude of other TV production guys filming and taking down various notes.

Adrian: 'PB's Playhouse? Really? That the best we could do, man?

Brandon: Don't look at me, I let that guy choose it.

Brandon shrugs as he points at That Guy, who would almost be a spitting image of Han from the Fast and Furious movies if the Fast and Furious movies were helmed by the people who made Barney the Dinosaur and not Vin Diesel, multi-millionaire. He's every single Asian 'Hip Hop' stereotype you can imagine with his gigantic too-big fur coat, huge red Pimp Glasses and the key chain with eight hundred keys to his bombin ass super sports car that doesnt actually run, he just pretends it does like Joey, from FRIENDS.


Adrian: What the fuck- Jagi Shiro? Get the fuck outta my promotional, Jagi.

"Jagi Shiro": "Jinkies! I mean-

*Speaks in Japanese*"

(This is what the Shiros Actually Did)

"Jagi Shiro" runs for his goddamn life. You would too if you knew their history.

Which you can buy DVDS of for the low, low price of $69.69 on NEXTWAVE.COM!

Adrian: ...Yes before you ask, the website url really is in all caps.

Adrian shoots another glance at Brandon, who shrugs once more.

Brandon: Marketing!

Adrian: Riiiiight.

Adrian scratches his head in annoyance,waiting for the cue to begin again.

Adrian: Hi Kids, and Jett Wilder! And welcome to... (*long sigh* PB's Playhouse.

The piped in sounds of children clapping and being excited follows as Adrian motions around the set.

Adrian: We've got all your, and Jett Wilder's, favorites today kids!  There's Jimbo the Genie-

Adrian motions to an overweight bearded man wearing the stereotypical genie outfit.

Adrian: Couchy the... Couch.

He points to a beat up couch in the middle of the room, big googly eyes are glued on to one of the back seat cushions.

Adrian: And of course, who could forget our favorite fishtaaaa--Ohjesusgpdno-

Adrian's eyes go wide in horror as the camera pans over to where he  motions next, showing a giant fishtank bowl atop Cecil Kennedy's head. Even through the distortion of the fishtank you can still easily make out all the cuts and bruises where Johnny Evil busted a glass pitcher over his face at the Pay per view.

Cecil: Go fuck yourself, I'm too old for this shit.

Adrian: (turns to Brandon in disgust) What the FUCK, Brandon!?  (turns back to Cecil) Cecil I swear I had no idea he was gonna do this shit to you.

Suddenly, an alarm goes off. But its not one of those "you've won the big prize!' alarms you're expecting. It's shrill, shrieking, and makes everyone's ears hurt. Yes, even yours.

A few moments pass by and the alarm shuts off, leaving our heroes just as confused as ever.

Couchy the Couch: Ooooooh, sugah, you thaid the magic woooooo-oooord~!

Adrian: ...Shit?

Brandon: Old!

Cecil: Did the fucking couch just talk?

Adrian: ...The word of the day is 'old?"

Brandon: Yea-hup.

Cecil: Seriously. The Couch.

Brandon glances over at Cecil from his spot off stage, a look that says he refuses to believe Cecil wouldn't get this. They're used to Brandon having that look, it never works out well for any of them.

Brandon: Yes, seriously. Dude it's a Pee Wee's Playhouse rip off, what did you expect?

Cecil: Just... not the fucking couch.

Adrian voice over: And suddenly Cecil's fear of couchs came into stunning reality.

Adrian: Who the hell said that?

Brandon: You, apparently.

Cecil: ...Alright, that's it. I'm done. No amount of jokes is worth this torture. I'm out.

Cecil throws off the fishbowl helmet, turns to walk away out of the shot and walks riiiiight into!

Puppet Evil: "Howdy ho, Fuckface."

Yes, that's right. Puppet Evil.

Puppet Evil pops up right in front of Cecil's face, It's not the best depiction of him and the voice is really squeaky but it's a puppet it was never going to be. Adrian and Cecil stare at the puppet, Cecil looking like he's seen a ghost. Puppet Evil gives a sinister grin to the camera, then glances over at Jimbo and Couchy.

Puppet Evil: "Are we haviiiiing fun yeeeet? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!"



Cecil: ....Noooooope.

Adrian: Definitely fucking not.

Adrian and Cecil share yet another look, and then exit, stage right even.

================-S T A R --W  I P E================-

Cut back in, some time later. This time (thankfully) we find your Hero and mine, Adrian Tanner Junior, alone at a pier late at night. There's a carnival going on a few blocks down but he's not here for the fun and games. Yet, anyways.

Adrian: Do you notice a theme I'm goin' for here yet?

He cracks his knuckles together with his hands then places them behind him on the barrier.

Adrian: It's not a hard one, even with... whatever the fuck we were trying to do back there.

Look the less said about that, the better.

But even if it didn't go exactly as planned it started the picture I want to paint for you here tonight.

It's a fun story they'll be talking about in the funny papers after Adrenaline called

"Jett Wilder is a creepy little fuck and should not be anywhere near the Tag Team Champions when he's won like, one match in the last six months." Honestly if there's anyone who should be in jail in this company it's probably him.

He kicks off the bar behind him, and starts miming one of those terrible 'domestic abuse' ads.

Adrian: "Tell the man where the bad Jett touched you, sweetie."

Yknow it's gonna happen, don't give me that look.

He rolls his eyes, as he starts walking down the pier.

Adrian: This is a kid who spent the last six-plus months stalking Tara Davidson and nobody aside from Tara, batted an eye at it. And when Tara seemed to finally get it through his thick skull that 'fake date prank' doesn't equal ''SHES TOTES MY GIRLFRIEND NOW U GUYZ!!!!" He moved on to Alexis Morrison and did the same shit to HER.

That one bit him on the ass, and I for one laughed really loudly backstage that night. The look on his face was priceless, man.

But it wasn't so fun to watch after the match, when Jett did everything in his power to make his 'fans' think Alexis was the bad guy for what? Doing what you do in a goddamn #1 contenders match?

Fuck that I woulda thrown his ass out too.

Adrian stares into the camera with a Homer Simpson 'Duuuuh' look on his face.

Adrian: But if that was all Jett had done it woulda been just typical whiny i lost bullshit but noooo, that's not the Jett way! Everyone's 'Wet for Jett!'

He says using finger quotes and holding back the urge to throw up his dinner.

Adrian: Jett Wilder is a delusional little man-child and I have waited for a chance to get in the ring with him and kick his gross too-perfect teeth down his mouth.

You're the worst kind of person masquerading as someone who think's he's the best.

People have Actually Eaten Ass in the middle of the ring and you're still the creepiest motherfucker on the roster.

You're a manipulator and a gas-lighter. Look 'em up, it's you to a tee. Especially with women, which just makes it even more gross.

He shivers.

Adrian: Here's the thing Jett. You think you're this super awesome mega-star, you think everyone loves you when really, it couldn't be further from the truth. It's the classic case of 'we're not laughing WITH you, we're laughing AT you.'

That's you and the rest of the 4CW Roster Jett. They aren't laughing with you, they aren't 'in' on the joke that is Jett Wilder, they just think YOU are a joke. A gross, creepy joke.

People didn't take you seriously when you made your big return and what? Ran off Darin Zion? Real big accomplishment there, buddy!

Two sarcastic thumbs, way up. As he continues his walk down the pier, the carnival starts to come into view.

Adrian: You are a Clown, Jett. You've beaten nobody of interest outside of your buddy Marquis and I'm still not all that certain she didn't just GIVE you that win to shut you the fuck up. Because if anyone would be smart enough to not fall for your creepy bullshit it'd be her.

Yeah, sure, you claim to have run Dare Clemmens out of 4CW but the way I see it, my fuckass partner did that in the end. You maybe broke his spirit, as losing to Jett Wilder WOULD do to most, but Evil's fuckass put him down into the ground where he belonged.

And before you were beating Dare Clemmins and 'sending him packing' from 4CW, you were LOSING to him a week before that.

You wanna know what I was doing during that point in time, Jett? While you were losing to Dare Clemmins I was beating the last two Pride Champions back to back.

He mimes 'mine soon' and makes a belt gesture across his waist as he continues down the walkway.

Adrian: While you were 'sending Dare packing' in the Undercard of All or Nothing, Johnny and I were doing just what we set out to do, just what we'd always said we COULD do, and beating two other teams to become the NEW 4CW Tag Team Champions of the world!

Johnny and I-

Suddenly, Puppet Johnny Evil outta nowhere.

Puppet Evil: "Hi!"

Adrian jumps nearly out of his skin. What? It's dark out and he wasn't expecting creepy sock puppets to show up outta nowhere fuck you.


Puppet Evil: "AHHHHHHHH!"

Adrian: AHHHHHHH- okay, okay I'm good.

He stops, staring at the Puppet. Brandon Young's arm is meticulously off screen so only the puppet can be seen.

Puppet Evil: "Hi! I'm Johnny Evil.

I'm a fuckass."

Adrian glares at the puppet. Maybe there was something creepier than Jett that existed in the world.

Adrian: Brandon, I will strangle you.

Puppet Evil: "Ohhhh, there's no Brandon here! I'm Johnny Evil. I'm a fuckass."

Adrian: Brandon.

Puppet Evil gets real close. Reaaaaaal close, right up in Adrian's face.

Puppet Evil: "Ffffffffffffffffffffffffff-----ucccccckassssssss."

Adrian: That's it, you die now.

Adrian reaches out to choke the Puppet to death, only because Brandon isn't close enough (yet) but Puppet Evil avoids his 'partner's' death grip.

Puppet Evil: "Waaaaaait, wait! Wouldn't it be more fun to do a 'joint promo?


Adrian: ...No.

He starts walking away. Puppet Evil puts on his best guilt trip face. Jett Wilder and Genie Carlson would be proud. He stops, turns and stares at the puppet, sighs again.

Adrian: Why am I listening to a puppet?


Puppet Evil flails wildly in the camera shot.

Adrian: ..Fine. Would you like to say anything about our opponents, 'Johnny?'

Puppet Evil: "Ohhhhh, I said everything I wanted to say in my promotional video.


Adrian: Then what the fuck are you here for?!

Puppet Evil: "To annoy you, mostly."

Adrian: Well, you are good at that.

Adrian rolls his eyes.

Adrian: I'm only letting you stay to prove my point that nothing's as gross as Jett fucking Wilder, and I used to know a wrestler named Trashcan Sam.

Puppet Evil: "That sure is something, bruh. Bro. Bruh bruh."

Adrian: ...Yeah. Anyways. Before we get too far in on Jett, let's get on his 'partner' Marquis.

Although honestly what do I say about Marquis that I didn't say already a couple weeks ago. It's not like anything's changed with her. Her entire shtick is locked in and she's perfectly fine with 'mailing it in' because she's 'too good' for any titles in 4CW.

Puppet Evil: "Don't forget the usual 'We suck, we're garbage, the tag titles are trash with us as champs and something  something Miles Blake."

Adrian: How could anyone forget that, that's ninety percent of her arsenal!

Both Adrian and Puppet Evil shake their heads. In synch. It'd be kinda creepy, if they weren't facing Jett Wilder.

Adrian: You get into one little twitter battle and suddenly you think you have what it takes to come at the Tag Team Champions? Yeah, no. Homie don't play that.

Adrian: You- well, ONE of you is a decent-to-amazing single wrestler. But this is Tag Team Wrestling, fuckwits. This is my domain. This is what Evil and I do BEST, as we proved at All or Nothing.

We might hate each other, and we do trust me, but there's a thing about tag team wrestling that neither of you understand. But Evil and I have been here before. We know what it takes to get the job done in a Tag Team Match.

That's why we're so GOOD at it!

You? The two of you are just two solo stars coming at the Tag Team Champions, and hate each other or not, Tag Team Wrestling always, always, [u[ALWAYS[/u] wins out in a Tag Team Match.

Thats how it works, kiddos.

He shrugs as if to non-verbally repeat all that with a simple motion.

Adrian: Queef's gonna Queef, she'll pull the normal 'we're not worthy' bullshit, and Jett will... also be there, but at the end of the day, a Tag Team match featuring the Tag Team Champions of the goddamn world only ends one way.

He starts to point a finger gun at the screen, then stops, smirking.

Adrian: I bet you though I was gonna say 'bang' right?

Nah, this match ends one way: AA wins, you go sqush now.

Cause we are Godzilla, you are Japan. And Japan's ready to get its shit nuked.

« Last Edit: May 08, 2017, 05:01:44 AM by Arizona's Most Wanted »