November 14, 2019, 11:27:00 AM

Author Topic: "Ghost..."  (Read 294 times)

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Offline Genevie Carlson

"Ghost..."
« on: December 27, 2018, 03:13:24 PM »
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me…


Kaelan stood on top of the ladder and stared down at her husband on the table. She had never climbed a ladder this high. She had never taken a risk like this. She didn’t realize just how high she was right now. She could feel the blood rushing in her ears. The pounding of her heart and her breathing was heavy. Partially from exhaustion and partially from the fact she was scared in this moment. She felt her body start to shake. She just wanted off this ladder at this point. She kept looking down and waiting. Come on Bryan. She knew he would come to. He was conditioned far better for these matches than she was. Sure he was bloody and bruised almost as much as she was but he could take more punishment than her of that she was sure.

Kaelan knew that for weeks she had been building and preparing for these final minutes. She had pushed everyone who cared for her away. She had pushed friends away. More importantly she had gone straight for Phe of all people because she knew if she pushed her away a lot of people in the end would turn on her. The way she needed it to be. To make this easier on everyone. She destroyed her business because without her there would be no business. She had destroyed her marriage because she knew Bryan deserved better than her. She pushed her family away because she knew there was enough of them that they would all be okay. She was ready now. She had sent her last messages to Dylan apologizing for her mind games that she never intended to act on. She had told her family she loved them and had done her best to repair the broken bridge she had with her brother Oliver.

Looking down she saw it. Bryan opened his eyes a bit and she knew it was time. She leaped off the ladder and smiled when she saw Bryan act on his instincts. He moved off of the tables. He probably didn’t even realize what he was doing or maybe he did. She knew Bryan was a fighter and when he was in the moment of the match nothing else mattered. He’d do what he had to do to win a match like this. Kaelan saw flashes of faces before she finally crashed through the stack of tables, glass, and razorblades she had designed specially for her own demise. Nobody else would pick that up though. She felt the glass, wood, and razorblades tear into her flesh for only a moment before everything went completely black.

I tried it like before and this time I made a deep cut
I thought about my friends and the way I didn't give enough
And I shoulda told my mother 'mom, I love you' like a good son
But this life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one...


When Kaelan opened her eyes everything was bright. All she saw was light. It was blinding. She could hear faint voices but couldn’t make out anything they were saying. She looked around her for anything but all she saw was blinding light. She didn’t even know if it was safe to take a step forward but she did. Her feet touched something solid. She kept shuffling her feet along until her eyes adjusted and she saw that there was a floor here. When she looked up she saw a figure in the distance. She squinted to see who it was. They walked closer and when she realized who it was her heart soared and she no longer cared if there was a floor or anything else she ran straight towards it throwing herself into their open arms. She looked up and saw her father’s smiling face. Just as she remembered him.

“Pa…”

“Hello my little Rose.”

“I fucked everything up and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to and I just wanted to be with you and I’m so glad you’re actually here.”

Kaelan started crying. She was sad and relieved. She knew this must mean she was gone. She didn’t have to deal with the pain of the world anymore. She didn’t have to let anyone else down. She wouldn’t even let herself down anymore. There was nothing here to cause her pain. Just light and her father. He soothed her by stroking her hair and somehow ushered her over to a bench that seemed to appear out of nowhere. They sat down and she stopped her tears after he gave her the comfort she had been missing from him for years.

“Of course I am but Kaelan, you aren’t supposed to be here.”

“What do you mean? Of course I am. I want to be here.”

He sighed. The way he did whenever Kaelan would act like this, but usually that meant he was going to drop whatever it was and just let her have her way. He grabbed her hand.

“I know you think you want to be here but you don’t. I know you think it’s your time but it isn’t. You still have so much more to offer the world. So much left to do.”

“No I don’t. In case you haven’t noticed I’ve been nothing but a failure. I’ve fucked up every relationship I ever had. I sunk my own business. All my hard work just completely overshadowed by my inability not to lash out at others..”

“Kaelan Quinn. You are not a failure. You did all those things because you wanted to be here. You didn’t have to. You still don’t have to give up those things and you definitely don’t belong here.”

She hung her head. She was ashamed that she was being scolded like this. Ashamed that her father didn’t want her here with him.

“I didn’t know if I would see you again. I didn’t know what to expect from this. Truthfully I just expected it to be all blackness and nothing else. It would still be more peaceful. Now that I’m here I realize you don’t want me here.”

“I want you here when it’s your time Kaelan. Not when you’re trying to throw everything away because you don’t think you’re good enough. I expected to see Oliver long before you. I never thought you would be like this, but I take the blame in this. I know it’s my fault.”

“NO PA! How could you say that?! You didn’t do any of this!”

“I did. I kept you close. I made sure you were protected from all the things the world really was. Who I really was. Who your brother and his friends really were. I thought I was doing the right thing. Oliver knew that I wanted that for you. To never have to worry or to think about the ugliness of the world. I thought I could keep you in Ireland and protected from it all. That was wrong of me. I should have always been honest about who I was, and who you are. I was a selfish and foolish man, Kaelan. You were never meant to be kept in a cage. You were meant to fly free and the world deserves to see just how truly amazing of a woman you’ve become.”

Kaelan smiled as her father stroked her hair but she didn’t understand what he meant. She was still feeling like he was talking crazy to her. She was here now. There was nothing to be done. There was no going back.

“Well I’m here now… All they got to see was what a terrible wife I was, and a mediocre wrestler. As well as a shite friend.”

“You think this is the end? Little Rose. This isn’t the end. You can go back. Sometimes things get broken but they can always be repaired. You can always get better. I can’t say that I ever truly saw you with Dylan O’Brien but I suppose we can’t help who we fall in love with.”

“I did fall in love with him and then I found out what he did to you. That he lied to me about it for over a year and I just couldn’t stay with him knowing that. To know what you must have thought of me. How ashamed you must have been.”

Her father’s head snapped over to her as he frowned in disbelief at the words coming out of her mouth.

“I would be ashamed of you for a lot of things but that isn’t one of them Kaelan. I know you blame him for my death but he did what I asked of him. He knew what choice to make and it was the right one. I’m not upset at the lad for making the smartest decision he’s probably ever made in his life. Aside from thinking you’re the most beautiful lass in the entire world.”

He winked at her and she shook her head and rolled her eyes. She laughed a bit too.

“The point I’m trying to make is you could go back and tell the world Dylan O’Brien is the man you love and although I’d have my reservations about it I would be okay as long as you were happy, but you and I both know that Dylan isn’t the man you really want.”

Kaelan looked up and over at her father and nodded her head. He was right. In spite of everything she had said and done over the past year. Leading Dylan on. She knew in her heart she didn’t really want to be with him. That she didn’t feel like he was the right man for her anymore. She had been in love with the idea of how someone could be so enamored with everything she did. Considering for the majority of her life never knowing what it was like for a man to be able to approach her let alone think she was beautiful.

“No I don’t. I want Bryan, but in case you haven’t noticed I fucked that all up. I pushed him away. I was talking to Dylan behind is back, and I tried to destroy him in a match with weapons. For what? Because I don’t know how to properly handle being alone? To not be selfish and only think about myself and not what he was trying to do?! There’s no coming back from the things I’ve said and done to him.”

Her father actually laughed at her. He grabbed her and pulled her close giving her a big hug before kissing her forehead.

“Oh Kaelan. If you knew half of the things me and your Ma did to each other you might think otherwise. Hell just look at your brother Oliver and Catorina. Sometimes we don’t always say or do very loving things to the people we love but it doesn’t stop us from loving them. If two people want to make it work? They’ll make it work.”

“...And what if he doesn’t? I mean I wouldn’t blame the lad wanting to get as far away from me as he possibly can at this point but, I don’t want to go back and face him telling me that. No it’s just better I stay here.”

“If he doesn’t then there is nothing else you can do. It will hurt but you’re strong Kaelan and you’ll be able to move forward. You can’t stay here and leave everyone else behind because you’re scared. More people need you than you think. Your brother Oliver is too proud to admit it but he needs you, Catorina needs you, Your Ma needs you, Teagan needs you, Your brother Carrick lost Claire I don’t think he could take losing you too, and whether you think he does or not I’d wager this Bryan lad needs you too. I love you Kaelan and I’m happy to see you, but it’s not your time to be here and you know that.”

Kaelan looked at him and sighed. Maybe he was right but it felt good to sit down with him and just talk. To have him back but was it worth leaving everyone else behind? Kaelan sat there and faintly she could hear those voices in the distance again. She was scared to go back. She had done a lot of damage in the hopes it would make all of this somehow easier for people to deal with. For people to let her go. She was scared of being rejected. To be miserable and then feel like she made the wrong decision in leaving her father. As if reading her mind he stood her up from the bench and gave her a hug.

“I love you...Don’t be scared… It’s going to hurt, but you don’t belong here...Not yet.”

Kaelan nodded her head and she went to tell her father she loved him when he gave her a hard shove and as she fell backwards the bright light began to disappear. Like she was falling in a long dark tunnel. He was falling away from her and all she wanted to do was reach for him and then the voices she had heard earlier were getting louder, and louder and in an instant she realized where she must be and the blackness disappeared and she gasped as her eyes flew open.

I tried it once again and I think I might black out
I shoulda left a letter but I had nothing to write about
My blood is all around me, I get dizzy if I stand up
The cutting part was easy but regretting it is so fucked


Kaelan looked around the room. There were flowers and balloons. All probably saying the same get well soon type of message. She could feel the tubes before she saw them. The oxygen pumping into her nose. She ripped the hose away and let out a whimper as she tried to sit up and felt the pain radiate through her body. She realized she wasn’t alone when Carrick ran to her side.

“Kaelan… You’re awake. Oh thank Bejesus.”

“Where am I? Ow. Why does everything hurt?”

Kaelan whimpered. She thought about where she had been and why she wasn’t still there in that moment, but her Pa wanted her to stay here. For some reason. She had to trust him. She looked over at Carrick. She wanted to tell him she saw their Pa but he seemed so happy that she was awake.

“Well where else you think you are after the stunt you pulled? You’re in the fucking hospital. They stitched you up. Even had to pump blood in you. What the hell were you thinking?!”

Kaelan wasn’t paying attention to her brother really. She was looking around the room. She saw Sarah over on the couch looking over at her and smiling. She waved and Kaelan gave her a weak smile. All she could muster. She looked down at herself. Her arms were wrapped in bandages and she reached up and felt the bandage on her forehead. She saw where they had stitched her up and she began wondering where the deepest wounds had been. She looked up at her IV bags… B Negative written on a blood bag. Her blood type. He wasn’t kidding when he said they had been pumping blood back into her. Just how much had she lost? She looked around the room some more looking for any sign at all… Carrick seemed to pick up on it.

“He’s here. He’s been here with you all night and all day. He just stepped out to talk to the doctor.”

Kaelan snapped her head back around to her brother. She was trying to play it cool but apparently it had been really obvious she wanted desperately to see Bryan’s face when she woke up.

“What?”

“Bryan. He’s here. I know you just woke up and everything and I’m glad the lad isn’t here because I need to show you something.”

“Can it wait? I’m in a lot of pain and I’d like to get something for it.”

“No it can’t wait.”

Kaelan rolled her eyes at her brother but she slowly put the effort in to sit up as he grabbed his phone and looked through some videos before showing her one and hitting play. She watched herself be wheeled out. She saw Bryan take his title and throw it down and then she watched him completely destroy the title. Carrick was quiet as he put his phone back away.

“Just think about that before you open your mouth and try to keep ruining good shite for yourself.”

“He deserves so much better than me…”

“You tried to kill the lad and he’s still here and been here by your side the whole time you’ve been laying here. If he deserves better? That seems to be completely lost on him. Even right now he’s talking to the doctor to figure out if you were going to come out of this and how to take care of you.”

Kaelan had hung her head. She felt like a child being scolded. Carrick realized he might be coming on too strong and his expression softened and he walked over and hugged his sister. She winced in pain and groaned a little as he let her go.

“Ah..I’m sorry Kaelan. I guess I shouldn’t be coming at you like that when you just woke up. You really scared me. You scared everyone Kaelan. Thought I was going to lose you...like Claire.”

She saw the pain all over his face and she thought back to what her Pa had said. Sometimes when we are worried about our own self loathing we don’t take the time to look around and see just how much we are affecting the lives of others. How much they really do care about us, and now Kaelan really was feeling bad for her decision to leave her family behind. To leave Carrick behind. They had gotten so close over the past year. He was practically one of her best friends and now he would probably be one of her only friends.

“I’m sorry Carrick..”

“It’s okay. The important thing is that you’re awake and…”

The door to the room opened and Carrick let his sentence trail off as three sets of eyes turned to see Bryan walk into the room. He didn’t move from the doorway as he saw Kaelan was awake. The last time this situation had happened Kaelan had made him leave. She couldn’t blame him for hesitating. No more than she wouldn’t have blamed him if he hadn’t been here at all, but truthfully knowing he had stayed by her side gave her hope. She winced as she raised her arm up and tried to reach for him. Letting him know it was okay. He walked over to her side and yanked a chair up. He grabbed her hand. She couldn’t help but notice that he was bandaged up as well. But when you grab a barbed wire bat that’s on fire you might need some bandages after that. She saw the cuts on his face and around his mouth. She smiled at him.

“Hey babe. You know you haven’t ate anything today. I think now that your sister is awake it would be a good time to go get something to eat.”

“I’m fine besides…”

Kaelan wasn’t paying attention to Sarah and Carrick but judging by the way Carrick had shut up Sarah must have gave him a glance that meant they needed to leave the room and give Bryan and Kaelan some privacy.

“Alright woman if you were hungry all you had to do was say so…”

The two made their way to the door as they waved and Kaelan just nodded her head. They closed the door behind them. Leaving the room to be completely silent. Kaelan didn’t really know what to say or do right now. So she just kept holding her husband’s hand. She honestly was afraid to let go. She didn’t know what to say and a couple of times she went to say something and then didn’t say anything at all. She took a deep breath and finally said something.

“I want to go home.”

“If that’s what you want Kaelan.”

Bryan hung his head. He then let go of her hand and he seemed a bit defeated. Like he was tired of fighting and then she realized he thought she meant Ireland. She scrambled up a little too quickly, as she felt the pain shoot through her body but she did her best to just push it down as she reached for Bryan as he began to stand up.

“Please don’t leave me. I wasn’t talking about Ireland. I was talking about our home. I mean after Rebellion of course. I have to get out of here right now. Gotta get on a flight and get over there but when I come back I want to come home. We can work on things if you want.”

“Kaelan.”

“Look I know I don’t deserve you after everything but I never really wanted to lose you. I tried to push you away. I mean yes I did those terrible things and sent messages I shouldn’t have but I know that was wrong and I’ll do anything to make up for it I mean I don’t know how to make up for that but you know all stuff that can be figured out, but first I need you to get that doctor in here and tell him you are taking me home so I can go win-.”

“Kaelan.”

Kaelan had rambled on for so long she hadn’t realized Bryan had been trying to get her attention until eventually he grabbed her face and made her look at him. He kissed her lips and then her forehead before letting her face go and settling back down in his seat.

“I’ve got some bad news for you. You were pulled from the Rebellion Pro Main Event. It’s probably for the best considering your injuries. If you want to come home? I’ll take you home but I just spoke to the doctor and he thinks it’s best you stay here for a couple of days.”

Kaelan pouted and threw her head back against the pillow. The hospital bed was uncomfortable. The machine was uncomfortable. The IV in her arm was a nuisance. She just wanted to go home. She threw her head over and looked at Bryan.

“Please. I can sign myself out. We can just go home and if I need to go back to the hospital once we are there I’ll go. Please don’t make me lay in this shite bed with tubes sticking out of me. Come on B. We’ve done enough deathmatches together to know how to bandage some wounds.”

“Yeah? Well one of us didn’t need several blood transfusions after any of those wounds before. Kaelan. No more. You want to come home? Fine but no more. Don’t ever ask me to fight you in a Deathmatch ever again. Please.”

Kaelan nodded her head. She was really starting to realize just how much she had hurt him and she was realizing how lucky she was that he was still here. By her side when he should have left her to bleed out. When he should have taken his title and walked away and just went back home to Los Angeles without her. Kaelan hit her call button and a nurse walked into the room within a couple of moments to ask what she needed. She asked for the doctor and the nurse nodded and walked back out of the room.

“I promise. I won’t ask you to fight me in a Deathmatch ever again. I’m sorry. I feel okay enough to go home. Please can we just go home.”

Kaelan crawled her way out of the bed rather awkwardly. Her hospital gown looking like the most unattractive thing a person could be wearing right now. She was careful with her IVs as she climbed into Bryan’s lap and curled up resting her head on his chest. She heard him sigh but he smoothed his hand through the tangled mess that was her hair before agreeing.

“Okay Kaelan. We’ll go home.”

Kaelan grinned in his lap. She knew that he wasn’t fully happy with her. She knew exactly what the elephants in the room were and so did he but, right now those things were just going to have to wait. Kaelan had to take a moment and appreciate the fact that trying to kill herself was the one thing she was happy about failing at. In this moment anyways. She would wait before dropping that bomb on him or anyone else, maybe she would just keep it to herself. She was just happy to be with him. To be in his arms for the first time in what felt like forever. To not be resentful of him. She would just wait here for the doctor and get started her discharge paperwork and then get home, and then her and Bryan could take it one day at a time from there.